Gym divas!

I was reading an article today on MSNBC.com about gym etiquette and while the examples in the article are very extreme, I have some of my own pet peeves about gym users.

I am a member of 24 Hour Fitness and I find that their clubs are by and large well-run, well-maintained, and that the staffers are polite. However, there are always exceptions. I live in one of the U.S.'s largest cities and regularly attend 3 different 24 Hour Fitness locations, depending on my schedule and the day of the week.

One of those locations is right down the street from my office. When I arrive in the locker room to change, it is usually full of little old ladies who have just completed their water aerobics class. They also track pool and shower water into every corner of the locker room. There's often not a square inch of dry floor in the joint. This means I have to keep my feet off the floor until I've put my athletic shoes on, which is hard to do. I'm like...if you KNOW you're going to be dripping water everywhere, why not get an extra towel to dry the floor after you're done changing and showering? It may be hours before the staff comes in to clean the locker room, and it's not fair to the rest of us to change clothes while levitating just to avoid the Hurricane Katrina-esque flood that you left on the floor.

Also...ladies...when you come to the gym and shower and need to dry your hair afterwards, why not bring your own travel-sized hair dryer? Most gyms have electrical outlets in the bathrooms. Some even provide wall-mounted hair dryers, like in a hotel. Many of the women at my gym use the hand dryer instead, presumably because they can style their hair with both hands. But...what if someone wants to dry their hands? You have to wait until these princesses are done, or you can just wipe your hands on your pants. It's really irritating.

Plus...the area where I work is heavily Chinese and most of the women in the locker room are Mandarin speakers. Great! However...when you are looking at me and laughing and speaking in Mandarin, I assume that you're talking about me. That's kind of rude. I speak other languages too, but I generally avoid doing so in public. I especially don't score on people right in front of them in any language, because that person could always turn around and PWN you in that foreign language. I've done it to people before who assumed the white girl couldn't understand Spanish! So...speaking Mandarin is fine! Great! But be mindful that those of us who can't speak it may interpret your body language and facial expressions to mean that you're scoring on us in front of us. I never say anything to them but sometimes I have left that locker room absolutely certain that willowy, svelte, beautiful Chinese girls were making fun of me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't know.

One more locker-room peeve...if me and my stuff are blocking your locker, say "excuse me" instead of just pushing my stuff out of the way or shoving past me and expecting me to lean to the side while you extract your items from your locker. Also...if I've staked out a spot on the locker room bench and I'm blocking your locker, I'll gladly move aside long enough for you to get your stuff out of your locker and stake out a spot for yourself, but some women will get their things one item at a time, requiring me to constantly move. Anywhere anyone sits in the locker room, they will be blocking someone's locker. If someone's blocking my locker, I grab all of my stuff out the locker and stake out another spot so I don't have to disturb that person repeatedly. It's just good manners.

Every gym has a Mr or Mrs SWEATY PANTS, who wears those ridiculous outfits that are designed to maximize sweat and, presumably, weight loss (all they do is make you sweat off water). What's NASTY is that the elastic bands on the wrists are not water tight, so sweat pours out and collects in puddles on the floor. That is DISGUSTING. Those outfits don't make you more fit and they don't make you lose weight. They're just obnoxious. Even if you clean up the sweat puddles after you are done (and most people don't), we still have to look at them and smell them while you're working out, and someone could slip on them. Also...if you sweat a LOT when working out, please towel off instead of shaking your sweaty head and splattering the rest of us with your nasty sweat. We used to have this one guy at my regular gym that I nicknamed "Puddles" because there would be two MASSIVE puddles of sweat on either side of the elliptical whenever he worked out. Everyone else gave that guy a wide berth. Wonder why?? I haven't seen him in a while and I definitely don't miss his nasty sweaty self.

OK. I know a lot of women never venture over to the weights section (they should), but I do. I like free weights but I don't lift ridiculously heavy weights. Every gym has very muscular beefcake types who lift RIDICULOUS weights. Awesome! They look incredible. However...if you can't control that weight on the way down, maybe you ought to be lifting something lighter? When someone drops two 100-pound dumbbells on the floor not only is the sound ear-splitting, but it shakes the floor. I've seen the vibrations from this crack mirrors on the wall. And in gyms where the weight room is upstairs, doing this repeatedly could weaken the floor. Plus, it's annoying and obnoxious. So...STOP IT. Nobody thinks you're a stud, we just think you're an idiot because you're ignoring the signs on the wall that tell you in large print and all caps to NOT drop your weights on the floor.

Cardio machines. None of them have your name on them. I admit that I have my favorite machines just like anyone else. But if I get there and someone's on my favorite elliptical machine, I just use a different one. I don't pitch a shit fit because you're on "my" machine. Also, wipe down the machine when you're done using it. I understand that the sanitizer bottles are often empty or they're out of paper towels, but at least wipe your sweat off. And you should be washing your hands before and after working out anyway.

Weight machines. They're popular! And the gym gets busy at lunchtime. That means that you can't spend a friggin hour on each one. Some people will do a few reps, then rest for 3-5 minutes while sitting on the machine when at least a couple of people could have worked in during that time. And if you can see that someone is waiting for that same machine you don't have to rush through your reps (after all, you were there first) but don't take forever either. If you're the type whose fitness goals require long rests between short bursts of heavy lifting, maybe you should go to the gym when it's not so busy...y'know...out of consideration for others.

Men. We see you looking at us. We go to the gym to work out, not to be checked out. Well, maybe some women go to be checked out, but they're the ones wearing skintight revealing spandex. Stare at them, not at people like me. Y'know...flattering and all...but also annoying. And rude. I don't stare at you, even when I'd like to.

Soloists! In my lift class there are one or two extremely buff women per week. They have incredible amazing bodies with definition I'd kill for. They look fantastic. They've worked hard to achieve that look. I realize that and applaud them for it; I'd like to look like them someday. However...if the lift class you're in is really sooo easy that you have to do each exercise standing on one foot, or squatting, or using insanely heavy weights, or doing twice as many reps as the instructor...or just doing your own studmuffiny beefcakey thing...maybe you should be in a different, more advanced class? I mean, we see you soloing over there. And we're very impressed by your buffness and jealous of it. But must you rub it in our faces for an entire hour? If you're not paying attention to the instructor....why are you there?

Whew! That was cathartic. I should add that the vast majority of people who use my gyms are well-behaved, courteous, and considerate of other gym users. These people are the rare, minor irritations that you'll find at almost any gym. And unfortunately, you just have to learn to live with them. They're good for some funny stories sometimes though.