Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Basically I am trying to shock my body after losing only a little weight over the holiday period; I want to jump-start the loss again and reach my goal weight (150 lbs) by July 4th...my Independence (from fatness) Day! Right now I have about 44 lbs to go until I get to my goal. I am giving myself 7 months because I am expecting more plateaus and for my weight loss to slow down. I think getting to 150 lbs by July 4th, 2009 is totally doable. I want to wear a SWIMSUIT on my birthday for the first time since I was a teenager!
Friday, December 26, 2008
I hope everyone had a good Christmas!
Monday, December 22, 2008
But on the bright side, I didn't gain any weight over the weekend. Excellent!
Friday, December 19, 2008
My measurements were:
Today, my measurements are:
That's a loss of 6.5 inches off the chest, 9 inches off the waist, and 7.5 inches off the hips for a total of 23 inches lost! Woo hoo!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
However, I am THERE now! Work is a little less crazy at the moment so I shouldn't have as many issues getting to the gym or finding time to work out. The holidays are just around the corner, but as someone so wisely pointed out Christmas is a holiDAY, not a holiWEEK. It's ok to splurge on one day! I don't have much of a sweet tooth so cookies and candy are easy to resist, but I do love Christmas dinner. It's sooooooooooo good.
Then again, shopping in the regular size section and seeing my weight continue to drop is BETTER!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
On the one hand, buying a $100 bottle of perfume or an expensive piece of jewelry would make me feel good, but wouldn't it be temporary? Wouldn't the image in the mirror be reward enough? I don't know. Maybe I should get myself a really nice piece of jewelry, because then I'll always associate that piece with the hard work I put in to achieve my Christmas goal.
What do you guys think?
Friday, November 28, 2008
It helps that I was at my parents' house, and that is where all the leftovers are. I made the mashed potatoes with butter and cream and sour cream because Thanksgiving comes only once a year, and they were very tasty!
Today I'm alternating between work (yes, WORK) and a deep clean to get my house smelling clean and fresh. Now that I am more than halfway through my weight loss journey, it is time for me to start thinking about quitting smoking. I smoke inside my house, and it does smell. I can't stand the smell (ironic) but I've decided to turn over a new leaf and stop smoking inside the house. Once I've slaved away for a whole day getting it sparkling clean, I hopefully will remember all the hard work I put in cleaning up the stench and not do it anymore.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Also, the guy I have been seeing said that he could not see me anymore until his divorce is final. "Lawyer's advice". I am not the other woman; I met him after the divorce was filed.
So I'm sick and tired of mens' bullshit, and fed up because of work and stress. This has been a very difficult week and it is only going to get worse in the run up to Christmas. I will be at work probably 60-80 hours a week until January.
I want a new job.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Fast forward six months later, 4.5 months into my weight loss journey, and 51.4 lbs down, my blood pressure today was 128/87, pulse 67. My diastolic is still a little high but that is a MUCH better reading.
My next goal is to weigh 199 lbs, i.e. that magical Onederland where I weigh under 200 lbs. Right now I have 6.2 lbs to lose to get there.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I hope this one works out; I really like this guy.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
In other news, men suck. I knew my date last night would wiggle his way out of having coffee with me, and he did....blaming "divorce drama" for having to cancel. Oh well. In other news, I bought new clothes last night and did not once set foot in the Fat Lady section.
I didn't have the nerve to go into the regular-sized clothing stores at the mall, but I did become more familiar with the wide selection in the regular-sized section at JC Penney. Yay me!
Monday, November 10, 2008
In the meantime, the guy I had the date with is really cute and sweet, and I like him a LOT. We're seeing each other tomorrow too. :-)
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I will have to do better next week.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
It was worth it though. So worth it. The pizza was so good and it had been about four months since I had a pizza delivered. Mmmmmm.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Hopefully this week will be better. As for my acne, that hasn't started clearing up yet.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Today I had mine removed at the dermatologists's office. It was not a painless procedure. They cleaned them, which stung because they were irritated from when I shaved my armpits yesterday (they were in my armpits). They then numbed the tags with injections under the skin, which hurt. After I was numbed up, they cut them off. I'm a little tender where they were cut off and hopefully I won't be bruised tomorrow. Bruised armpits probably hurt.
The doc took one look at the severe cystic acne that has been plaguing me since I started my weight loss journey and said it was hormonal. Most of the acne is on the jawline. I've tried everything, and I mean everything, except Proactiv. The doc injected some of the more tender and juicy zits with steroids, which hurt a LOT. I was prescribed four things...can't recall exactly what they are but I got topical creams, antibiotics, and a blood pressure pill that the dermatologist said clears up acne for all his other patients.
We shall see. $160 poorer and clutching a sheaf of prescriptions, I headed out to the car gingerly as to avoid injuring my tender armpits and drove home by way of Walgreens to drop off the scrips. I shudder to think how much they'll cost even with insurance.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Some of the people on the show are simply extraordinary, but they have done it the "cheater" way, i.e. with gastric bypass surgery. At my heaviest, I would probably have qualified for GB and I see people on the show who started off smaller than me who now have to have plastic surgery to remove excess skin. Zoinks! I hope that doesn't happen to me, but it very well might. :-(
On this week's show there was this one woman who weighed about 450 lbs. She was crying about how she had always been at 350 lbs and how she had "let herself go". Yikes. If you weigh 350 lbs, you let yourself go a looooong time ago. She's also married with 3 children. It kind of depresses me that SHE has what I want, i.e. a husband and a family, and she weighs twice what I do. How does that work? I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me. I hate being single.
But I digress. It's an interesting show and I recommend it.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I'm starting to enjoy clothes shopping, probably because I get to wear the smaller sizes (eeee!) and because I'm very close to not having to shop in the fat lady section anymore. I can almost taste it.
I can't wait to pass Lane Bryant by and head straight for J. Crew or Banana Republic or The Gap. It's going to be awesome.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I've been wearing Red 3 bootcut jeans from Lane Bryant (fellow Lane Bryant shoppers know what I mean), but they're a bit large now so I bought a pair of Red 2 bootcuts. I was also encouraged to try on a pair of Yellow 3 bootcuts because my body shape has changed. I used to have a bigger butt in relation to the rest of my body but I have lost a lot of inches off my hips and butt, so they recommended the yellows. They fit differently, but also looked good. So I bought those too.
Started with: Red 4 bootcut
Wearing now: Red 2 bootcut/Yellow 3 bootcut
Then I went to JC Penney and looked for work pants. I found a pair of those Lee plain front pants. I started off wearing a 20W in those, and I'm now down to a 16W in that particular style of pants. I could only find one pair in any color in that size, so I bought it. I also bought a couple of casual long-sleeve tees in size 1x, which is the size I've been wearing all along. Those shirts shrink a lot. The 1x started off a little on the small side for me and is now a little too large.
Started with: Lee Plain Front trouser 20W
Wearing now: Lee Plain Front trouser 16W
Since the other pair of 16W plain fronts that I have is a little baggy on me, I wandered over to the normal-sized section of the store and was shocked at how HUGE it is. Oh god, the selection! Amazing! I hadn't been to that side of the store in years. I found those same Lee plain front pants in size 14, so I got a pair plus a pair of Dockers Ideal Fit in a size 16. I knew they wouldn't fit just by looking at them, but they're for later. I also bought some of the same casual tees I had bought in the big lady section, but in size XL. They fit perfectly, but they will shrink when washed.
I tried on the smaller pants at home and I cannot pull either pair all the way up, but they'll be a good yardstick for me. I weighed about 218 lbs yesterday and I'm thinking both pairs may fit by the time I achieve my Christmas goal of 199 lbs. I will fit into them *someday*, so it's not a waste of money.
I ended up spending about $175 on new clothes, but I am also giving away a large bundle of clothing that is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too big for me. I am getting rid of those clothes because I never want to fit into them again. If all I have are clothes that are my size or smaller, that'll be extra added incentive to not order that pizza or eat that 3 Musketeers bar.
So yay! I've lost 39 lbs so far on my journey. I went shopping for clothes yesterday even though I was sick, because I'm giving some of my old "fat" clothes away to charity. I'm keeping a couple of pairs of my largest pants so I can hopefully someday pose for a photo with both of my legs in one of the legs of the fat pairs. I can only hope.
I'm just a little lacking in enthusiasm because I've been sick as a dog all week. I went to the gym on Wednesday and thought I was going to pass out. I haven't been since. I can't wait to get well so I can get back there.
On the plus side, I've lost over 5 pounds this week alone.
*sigh* I hate being sick.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Today's measurements are:
That's a loss of 4 inches off the chest, 7 inches off the waist, and 4.25 inches off the hips. Pretty cool huh????
I hope as I get well, these pounds I've lost don't creep back on. I don't think it's water because I have been drinking plenty of that; I get really thirsty when I'm sick.
I also passed the metric milestone and then some: 99.5kg this morning.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Not a setback...just an irritation. This is the least I've weighed in a long time.
Today, I'm going to a friend's barbecue and it's going to be tough temptation-wise. I'm bringing fruit salad, so I'll try to stick closer to that! And small portions of meat. I hope there will be crudites.
Friday, October 3, 2008
This week I've been so tired and so wrapped up in work; I'm so glad it's Friday. So so glad. I'm so tired.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I think I may need a smaller size of work pants soon. The 18s I've been wearing are a bit on the baggy side. I may try a 16 soon.
I also had a date yesterday. A guy I met on Chemistry and I went bowling around lunchtime yesterday. We seemed to hit it off; he seems to want to see me again. He's really cute and really funny, and definitely would have been out of my league before I lost 30lbs. I think he's still a bit out of my league now but I'm still losing, and I'm a lot more confident and outgoing now than I used to be. Maybe that shows.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Christmas is a tad less than 3 months away, and I have about 26-27 pounds to lose between then and now. It's what I'm shooting for. It will be my Christmas present to myself.
I'm going out to lunch today with my grandmother and I'm going to be very good. I see a guilt-free chicken platter from Chili's in my future. I think it's less than 500 calories, but it has an astonishing amount of sodium. Later this afternoon I'll go to the gym and probably sweat most of that extra salt out anyway, so I'm not going to worry about it.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I went to happy hour with a couple of friends and had a big frozen strawberry margarita and an order of onion rings. Yikes. That kind of stuff always packs on a couple of pounds even though logically speaking it shouldn't, since it doesn't weigh a couple of pounds and it doesn't have enough calories to make me gain an entire 2lbs. I don't know why the scale fluctuates like that, but it does.
Oh well. Will face the music in the morning and if it does bounce up a couple of pounds, big deal. I lost them before, I'll lose them again.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
For someone who was sent to the emergency room in May with a BP of 172/120 something and a heart rate of 120BPM, that's pretty good. My BP was normally not higher than 150/100 but even that is very high. 172/120 apparently constituted a medical emergency. When they took my BP after an hour of sitting in the ER, it was in the 130s/80s range, but that's after sitting still and reading for a full hour.
I do have white coat hypertension to an extent, but my average BP readings at home have dropped by about 10 on both the systolic and the diastolic, and my pulse rate has fallen by over 20 beats per minute.
In other words, my BP is nearly normal even though I'm still obese. By the time I get to my goal weight, my BP readings will probably always be in the extremely healthy range!
In other news, I've lost nearly 30lbs since the start of my journey. That's almost 30lbs in a little over 2 months. I have 28lbs to lose before I get to "onederland", i.e. weighing under 200lbs, so I need to keep this up. My medium-term goal is to reach "onederland" by Christmas.
Plus if I ever want to find another man I have to lose weight. Most men in this city seem to be of the "no fat chicks" variety.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I couldn't find one that looked just like me body-wise or hair-wise, but I tried to get as close as I could.
On the left is my virtual model at 257lbs, near my starting weight.
On the right is my virtual model at 228lbs, near my current weight.
I guess what's really depressing is they don't look all that different! When you flip back and forth between the two images you can see the smaller one shrink, but looking at them side by side they look almost the same.
I'm not sure how this is supposed to motivate me.
Oh well...I'm still losing and that number on the scale continues to get smaller, not bigger. That's all that counts. That and the measurements of my chest, waist, and hips. In the last month I have lost 2" off my chest, 3.25" off my waist, and 2.25" off my hips. I think that's pretty decent!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I confess that I live in Texas, a state that was hit extremely hard by this storm. Beautiful, historic Galveston lies in ruins and parts of the Houston metro area were destroyed. The storm cut a path of destruction through east Texas, also affecting Beaumont and the lovely city of Tyler.
You can help the victims of the storm by donating to the American Red Cross.
It will take weeks and months to rebuild after this storm, but in the meantime its victims need food, shelter, and medical care.
So, that's the weight I recorded. I try to be strict about that and only record my 6am weight. I don't know where that .6 lbs came from, but it doesn't really matter. I'll see 228.8 lbs again, and soon.
So far I've lost 27.2 lbs. I feel awesome. It's such a sense of accomplishment and I feel more confident and in control. I feel especially blessed to be out of the 230s because on Sunday I pigged out on chips, queso, and flautas with sour cream when I went out for Tex-Mex with a friend of mine...then again I had nothing but fried food from Sonic when my BF came over last night.
I have no idea what the caloric content of the Tex-Mex was so I didn't record it. About all I can say about it was it was "a lot". Probably in the 1800-2000 calorie range for the meal. Luckily, Sonic publishes nutritional information so I did record that. Even with a snack-size popcorn chicken, regular fries, and mozzarella sticks I stayed under 1600 calories for the day. Awesome!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My thoughts are with the people who were affected by Ike, though. I hear it's terrible down on the Texas and Louisiana coasts.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
In other news, I think my on-again, off-again, on-again boyfriend is now off-again for good. I'm tired of his fickle moods and the way he keeps blowing me off, so I'm not going to bother with him anymore. He made a date with me for tonight, then abruptly cancelled it yesterday. I texted him back to ask why and he never responded. So, to hell with him. I'm going to go to a meetup.com thingy tonight after work and meet new people. Onwards and upwards I guess!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I think I really need to re-examine my diet but by the time I get home cooking is the last thing on my mind. I need things that are super-easy. I also live alone, which makes cooking more tedious. It really is a pain in the ass to dirty up 2-3 pots and pans just for myself. When I was married I cooked pretty much every day and it wasn't a big deal because I was cooking for 2 people, not 1.
I really hate living alone.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
So, I've decided to cut off communication with him. I'm sure he will not attempt to make a date or contact me; I always have to initiate everything, so if he really wants me he'll try to see me. He doesn't, so he won't.
I fucking hate men right now. The thing is, I knew it would end up this way when we got back together. Why did I do it? Afraid of being alone, I guess. I'm sick of not being the most important person in anyone's life. I'm not even the most important person in my own life.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
This is awesome.
I'm very excited.
I know that once I achieve this goal I will have merely another mini-goal to achieve (15%, 12.9 more pounds to lose) but it's still exciting.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Me, I had to eat a bowl of Raisin Bran to get things moving again. Right now they're very sluggish, but I had not gone in a couple of days. Everything I'd eaten since Tuesday was backed up in there. Ouch.
So I went and am now at 232.6. Yippee!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I'm only 2.2lbs from meeting my next mini-goal of losing 10% of my weight! That's a total of 25.6lbs since early July. Of course I have other mini-goals after that, but passing the 10% mark will be awesome.
My next ones are:
- 15% loss (38.4 lbs lost)
- 20% loss (51.32 lbs lost)
- Under 200 lbs (57 lbs lost)
- 25% loss (64 lbs lost)
- 30% loss (77 lbs lost)
Baby steps people, baby steps!
Each mini-goal that I achieve indicates significant progress, and doesn't make the overall amount of weight that I need to lose so intimidating. Meet one mini-goal, work towards the next. Meet that mini-goal, work towards the next, with one eye on the big prize: GOAL.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I feel awesome even though I've got almost 85lbs to go to reach my goal. I feel energized and positive about reaching my goal. I know I can do it. I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to doing.
I'm now a mere 2.6lbs away from my second "mini-goal" of 10% weight loss. What an achievement that is. I'm really proud of myself today. At the rate I'm losing, I should hit 10% next week, probably Thursday. Hehehehe!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
After 3-4 minutes, I sat up and took my blood pressure. It was 131/80, pulse 66BPM.
I knew that my resting heart rate had slowed quite a bit just by feeling my pulse in my neck, but 66 BPM is pretty good I think! A year ago if I'd taken my pulse right after waking up from 8 hours of sleep, it'd still be in the 90s.
Weight loss has been a major concern on this journey, but improving my cardiovascular health has been just as important. Hypertension runs in the family, and it runs hard. So does heart disease on both sides. My doc was talking about putting me on medication for high blood pressure. I'm 33 years old. I am way too young for that. I said to her "No way. I'm going to take this weight off and work out to get fit." She shrugged as if to say "I've heard that one before."
She'll be eating her words when I see her in October. It ought to be fun.
Fatty, cheesy foods are starting to not sit well with me. I notice that they cause flatulence, heartburn, and general all-around discomfort. I realized that that is how I used to feel all the time. I didn't really notice it then but boy do I notice it now.
I don't know how I used to deal with that all the time. I used to go out to eat every day at work and I'd gorge on Mexican, Italian, pizza, hamburgers, whatever. I'd come back to work in pain from how full I was and it would take hours for me to feel "well" again, but it would not take long for me to feel hungry again. I was also tired and I would nod off at my desk after lunch at least twice a week.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I pigged out. Tex-Mex is a huge, HUGE weakness for me. Between that lunch and my breakfast, I gobbled down nearly 2,000 calories by 1:30 pm.
Determined to lessen the cost I'll have to pay for that when I step on the scale, I went to the gym after I finished digesting said lunch...or at least after I'd digested it enough to not barf all over the expensive fitness machines.
Did 40 minutes on the elliptical. I sweat like a pig on that thing and today was no exception. My knees were buckling by the end. The machine said I burned a smidge over 500 calories in that 40 minutes.
Then I decided to cool down with 20 minutes at 3mph on the treadmill. There's a fan close to it and the treadmills themselves have little fans on them, so I literally cooled down on it. Kept the heart rate above 140bpm (not hard for me). At least temperature-wise I felt refreshed and revitalized enough for...
20 minutes of strength training! I focused on the upper body and took it easy on myself because I'm still sore all over from doing 30 Day Shred on Thursday.
Then I tried to undo the soreness with 20 minutes of gentle stretching and immediately afterwards I felt better, but my muscles have tightened up again.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Update: I read the scale wrong, it's actually 235 on the nose...not 235.6. Even better! It's weird though; normally I do not lose weight during my time of the month. I'm not complaining though.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm just trying to be very good about what I eat, hitting the gym as usual, and I'm just trying to not be concerned about the normal monthly fluctuation in weight. I've lost 8% of my starting weight and that is nothing to sneeze at.
Basically the worst part of this time of the month is that I get very hungry and I crave...CRAVE...starch and fried food. Resisting those urges is the most difficult part. I have my ways of motivating myself. I read articles about living with diabetes. I look at photos of extremely obese people. I then hit the J. Crew website and look at those wonderful clothes that, if I keep up my discipline, I will someday be able to fit into. I try to resist the urge to give in to "logic", i.e. me telling myself "c'mon, one fried chicken dinner isn't going to kill you." Yes it is! I'm weak! I want to lose the taste for that stuff!
It's sort of working already; whenever I eat rich fatty foods now, I feel ill. That's what I want.
Monday, August 25, 2008
People say it's really hard to lose this much weight. I have not found that to be the case, but I also hear that the bigger you are, the easier it can be to lose weight because your daily calorie requirements are higher and because you burn more calories through exercise than someone half your weight. I'd believe that.
I expect the rate of my weight loss will slow down in time, as my caloric requirements will decrease and I won't burn nearly as many calories with each workout. When I recently used the elliptical with the default weight (150 lbs), I was really surprised at the difference between the calories burned on that one and the amount burned when I enter my weight.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I can't wait until the next ones in 2012. The Winter Olympics are OK, but the Summer Olympics have the best events. Gymnastics, swimming, diving, track & field...I love all of it but I love those four the most.
Beijing did a very good job of putting the Olympics on, but I am still of the opinion that China is a closed and authoritarian society and the thought of it as the next economic superpower does worry me. I have nothing against the Chinese people; I've known many people from China in my lifetime and they've always been warm, polite, and kind. Their government? It needs to go!
There are 1,433 days to go until the 2012 Olympics kick off in London on July 27th, 2012.
The 2010 Olympics kick off in Vancouver in February 2010. That's not that far off...a little over a year and a half away. I can't wait.
Congratulations to all the athletes who participated but particularly to the US athletes, especially our gymnasts, our swimmers, and our track & field athletes. You all ROCK! USA! USA! USA!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The ex-fiance I mentioned at the beginning...wants to get back together and give it another try. I really want it to work out and he says he does too. It felt really natural for the two of us to be together. I want to be optimistic but the last time ended in tears....but I don't want to go into this expecting to fail either, because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Total weight lost so far: 18.8 lbs
That's 7.4% of my starting weight....I'm on my way to my next mini-goal of 10%, which I will reach when I get down to 231 lbs. I hope to hit it sometime in mid-September.
I've lost just a shade under 19 lbs. Wow. It hasn't really been difficult yet and I hit a mini-plateau last week, but I also did not eat all that well (ate out at least twice that week) so I suppose it's not so bad.
I can't see the loss but I do feel it. My pants are definitely looser, but they're a size 20 so they're pretty huge already.
Mainly I can only feel the results; my legs and arms are firmer, my butt is smaller, and my boobs have gotten a little smaller. I only recently found a tape measure so I have only one measurement at 238.8 lbs; I'll measure myself again in about a week. I'm new to it so I'm not sure how accurate my measurements will be but I figure I'll get better at it the more I do it.
Yippee, not a bad way to start my Friday morning!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Candy has never been my downfall anyway. Pizza, fried chicken, BBQ, etc. That's what I crave. When I lived in England, Indian food and fish & chips were the evil influences. Those, and bacon sandwiches. I'll let my fellow Americans in on a little secret: the food in England is terrific. It's really really good. However, it's every bit as fatty as food is here, and the English have pretty much caught up to us in the obesity stakes despite walking much more (on average) than we do. Just imagine how big they'd be if they didn't walk more than we do.
I thought I'd lose weight living in England for six years, simply because I'd have to walk a lot more. Sadly not. Oh well! Now I drive everywhere but I'm still losing weight using a simple equation: Fewer calories + going to the gym = slow and steady weight loss.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
What's making me nervous is while I'm working out 5-6 days a week and am religiously counting calories, so far it has not been all that difficult to lose weight. Basically I've had to increase my physical activity through cardio and strength training, and I've had to restrict my caloric intake by finding nutritious foods that are much lower in calories than foods I ate previously.
The thing that has been difficult to cope with has been the cravings. This is month #2 of my journey to health and fitness, and there are foods I am desperately craving right now. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I could kill a 3 Musketeers bar right now. I really like those. Mostly my cravings are for foods of the fried, melty/cheesy, salty variety. Fried chicken. Nachos. Pizza. Enchiladas. Chips and queso. Flautas and taquitos coated in sour cream. Hot dogs with ketchup, mustard, and relish. Barbecue. Oh god, barbecue. Riiiiiiiiiiibs. Briiiiiiiiisket. I'm drooling.
Before I started trying to lose weight, I would eat those things often. Sometimes, I'd eat all of them at least once in a single week.
I'm not one of those people who is going to try to make excuses for my size. "I had a rough childhood." "It's glandular." "I have big bones." "It runs in my family." "I simply look at cake and I gain 5 pounds." "I've tried everything." "I eat like a bird and I can't lose a single pound."
Sorry, but bullshit. Major, utter, total bullshit. There are conditions and medications that can cause you to gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight, but the vast majority of the time people are overweight because they eat too much and don't exercise enough, if at all. In a nutshell, overweight/obesity is the path of least resistance in this country and far too many people are happy to let their genetic and/or metabolic tendencies towards obesity take over as they scarf down cheesecake, burgers, pizza, tacos, and look miserably at the thin women in the room happily laughing with their friends and families and wonder why that can't be them.
It can. Put down the fucking fork and get up off your ass and it can. This POV is controversial among fellow "fatties" and especially in the "fat acceptance" movement. However, it is honestly how I feel. I feel a lot of obesity is down to genetic/metabolic tendencies that, coupled with a poor diet and low activity, conspire to make someone obese. People need to stop thinking of food as pleasure and start thinking of it as fuel. Different types of engines (people) work most efficiently with different types of fuel (food). Some engines can take a really rich mixture. Some can't.
I will freely admit that I ate and couch potato'd my way into morbid obesity. Yup. I did it to myself. I graduated high school a size 4-6. Then, I ate. And ate. And ate and ate and ate and ate. Over the years as the pounds piled on, I kept meaning to cut back. I meant to work out. I meant to change my lifestyle. I didn't. I zoomed through the single digit sizes, then worked my way through the teens until I was a size 24. Twenty fucking four. That is really hard to take for someone who used to be so slim that she could wear a size "extra small" skirt from The Gap, and who darkened the doorways of Banana Republic, The Limited, and J. Crew on a regular basis, wearing their beautiful and trendy clothing.
Now that I have changed my lifestyle, I've lost 17.8 lbs in 7 1/2 weeks. I intend to keep on losing until I reach a healthy weight of 150 lbs, after which I will step back and take a well-deserved maintenance break. My ultimate goal is to get down into the low 130s-high 120s, but that will come later. Getting down to 150 is good enough to put me at a healthy weight and to vastly reduce my risk for heart disease and diabetes.
Am I jealous of thin people who don't have to watch what they eat very closely, and who don't exercise very much? Of course I am! I wish I could eat tacos and pizza and fried chicken and still be a size 8! However, I can't. I had to decide what was more important to me: food, or living to see age 50.
I made my decision. It's up to everyone to make theirs, but I believe that obesity is by and large a self-inflicted condition. I do not feel sorry for people who have eaten their way into obesity, and I do not expect sympathy from others. I don't think it's right for people to treat me badly because of what I've done to my body, but at the same time I do not expect anyone to tell me that it isn't my fault. And...if they did, I'd tell them they were wrong.
It is my fault. I did it to myself. Ultimately, I decided what to shovel into my gullet. Nobody held me down and force-fed me. I'm taking responsibility.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I'm very proud of it.
I haven't played with all the tools on the site yet. I need to get a tape measure so I can use the measurement tools. At some point I'll post photos of myself; I have a side view of myself at 245 lbs. I want to lose more before I post them so there will be a definite difference between the "before" and the "during" photos.
Sadly I did not take a photo of myself at the very beginning, but I have almost 90 lbs left to lose so that 245 lbs photo is good enough. I doubt I'd see the difference between 256.6 and 245 lbs anyway.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I'd be shocked if he did, I really would. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue, but I can't possibly imagine any man actually wanting to be with me.
We went out for Indian food and I woke up this morning 3.5 lbs heavier with horrible edema in my legs and hands. I've been trying to flush out the bloat all day and managed to get 2 lbs of it out, but 1.5 lbs of it is still hanging around.
I haven't lost anything this week. It's pissing me off.
Monday, August 11, 2008
It helps to figure out what about your personality you can leverage to help you on your journey. For example, I'm a tightwad and I *hate* wasting money. I can't stand it, it bothers me. I make plenty of it, but I hoard it like there's no tomorrow. My friends actually make fun of me for it. I'm generous when it comes to friends and family, but I also try to live on one paycheck and save the other. I'm weird like that; my friends think I should "live a little". Then again, I'm 33 and have a six figure nest egg and they don't, so it's paying off!
Given that, you might think it would be difficult for me to sign up for gym membership. Nope! If I use it a lot, I'm getting good value for money. I'm all about that. So, I go to the gym a LOT. I actually have it broken down by visit, i.e. I pay $x per month and I go x times per month, so I pay $x each time I go. The more times I go, the "cheaper" each visit gets. I'd be paying the same amount of money whether I went 1 time or 100 times, so I go as often as I can be motivated to go. Some days I'm simply too tired to go, or I feel a little creaky or sore. Then I do the cost/benefit analysis of doctor visits and injuring myself and not being able to go to the gym vs skipping a day. It might sound very Type A and stupid, but it's how I roll.
I can also apply this thriftiness to my food shopping. I now spend more on food than I used to even though I'm single now. This is because I no longer buy junk and I eat a lot more "whole" foods. Since I hate wasting money, I look in the fridge and think, "better eat those tomatoes before they go off," or "that bok choy was expensive...better make a stir fry." Sometimes I have a little sticker shock at the supermarket when I manage to drop $50 in a single visit on just myself, but then I think...."$50 vs diabetes, high blood pressure, shopping at Lane Bryant...it's worth it!"
On the other hand, I can be pretty lazy. Astonishingly so. I suppose it's tied to thriftiness...I don't like to waste energy. Knowing that I have lazy tendencies, I stock my freezer with plenty of healthy microwave meals for those days when I don't want to cook, or don't have the motivation/time to prepare a lunch to bring with me to work. This cuts out the temptation to hit the drive-thru or order a pizza. Hitting the drive-thru involves getting in the car, driving somewhere, waiting, etc. Ordering a pizza involves waiting and then there's always the irritation that comes with the pizza being late or cold. Or wrong. I pop a Lean Cuisine into the microwave on those lazy nights and avoid all that.
Basically I thought about who I am as a person...controlling, thrifty, but also somewhat lazy. I thought about how these tendencies could sabotage my efforts, but also how I could make them work for me. It's almost like I'm tricking myself. I know I'm doing it, but it has worked so far. Also, since I'm a total control freak who borders on obsessive about certain things (the organization of my closet, how my dishes are stacked, etc.), I found religion about counting calories and weighing myself. It feeds into my control freaky/obsessive personality and in the wrong hands could be a bad thing, but in my case it imparts a discipline that might not be there otherwise. I obsess about calories, so I'm very likely to count every tiny little thing I eat, and every tiny little bit of exercise that I do.
So...figure out what your strong personality traits are, even if they're negative (as mine are), and try to make them work for you instead of against you. In the month before I actively tried to lose weight, I was doing a lot of thinking and jotting down. I wanted to go into this eyes wide open.
I'm 33 and it's very unlikely that I'll get less Type A as I get older. It's unlikely that I'll all of a sudden start blowing entire paychecks at Nordstrom's. It's unlikely that I'll suddenly become the kind of person who is active, active, active all day long. So, I'm trying to make the kind of person that I am work for me for a change instead of against me. That's something that does come with age...the wisdom to try to work with what you have instead of trying to become something you're not.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
They acted like they didn't care...then the claws came out and they actually criticized me for trying to lose weight. One of them is overweight and the other is very obese. Every time I see her, she seems fatter. When I first met her a year ago she wasn't nearly that big, but she looks like she has packed at least 50 lbs since I met her. She had once dieted down into a size 8, but she is easily bigger than I am now. Easily. Probably by a healthy margin.
We all got together with a larger group in the evening at a restaurant where everything is deep-fried. The birthday cake was enormous and an enormous slice of it was set in front of me. I ordered french fries for my entree because I know what's in a portion of fries, and I figured it wasn't any less healthy than fried chicken fingers, a burger, deep-fried fish, etc. They did have salads but they were infested with cheese, fatty dressings, and some of them had shellfish in them (to which I'm allergic). Knowing that some kitchens will simply pick out by hand what you don't want, I decided to go for the devil I know. I ate a fraction of the french fries on the plate and then only a few bites of the enormous piece of cake in front of me.
I felt ill after eating that food. When I got home I took a single Correctol, not because I believe it prevents fat and nutrients from being absorbed (it doesn't) but because I felt backed up and I hadn't gone twosies in a couple of days. That fatty food wasn't going to help clear the backup, so I turned to chemicals. I feel a little better this morning, but I'm still a little bit "clogged".
I will definitely be hitting the gym, probably around noon since there usually aren't many people there at that time on a Sunday and I'll have my pick of the machines. The ellipticals at my local 24 Hour Fitness aren't as nice as the ones at my regular 24 Hour Fitness so I like the gym to be somewhat empty so I can get a good one.
Right now food is the last thing on my mind; I'm not hungry after yesterday's binge and I don't imagine I will be all day long.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
I've gone to the gym 7 days in a row so tomorrow I may take a break. Or I may take the shrink wrap off my copy of 30 Day Shred and do that instead. I don't know yet; it depends on whether I'm sore in the morning and whether my allergies quit acting up.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The ex-boyfriend is history, history, history. He talked to me today and told me he doesn't want to get married to anyone ever again (yeah right) and definitely does not want more kids (don't believe that either). I am firmly convinced he was seeing someone else but I have no proof and I don't care anymore. It's not my problem. He's not my problem. Fuck him.
Ever since we started having serious problems a few weeks ago, I've been surfing Chemistry and eHarmony. Yep, that's how much faith I had in him. He's a worthless ass. I met a new guy on eHarmony and had coffee with him this weekend. He e-mailed me and we talked on the phone later and he said he thought I was cute (awesome) and sexy (yippee) and very intelligent (YAY), and that he likes all three. Awesome. He has the odd sense of humor that I love in a guy, he loves animals, is sweet, is VERY smart, makes good money, and all around seems to have great potential. We're getting together Saturday night. Schweeeeeet.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Then I did 40 minutes on the elliptical. For the first 30 minutes I alternated 2 minutes forward at level 5 with 1 minute backward at level 1, then the last ten minutes I did 2 minutes apiece at levels 5-1 to cool down.
Then I came home and ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch. 390 calories. Doing well today!
Still, though. Doesn't do much to encourage me.
I have a coffee date at 2pm today, so I think I'll hit the gym around 11am. That will get me back home at 12 or shortly after and I'll have time to cool down and bathe before going out. I thought I would be sore after yesterday's workout but I'm not, so I'm going to push hard again today.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Unless I take my BP as soon as I wake up, my diastolic is high but my systolic is high-normal/high. The last 8 readings on there have systolics in the 140-160 range and diastolics in the 100-110 range, with pulse readings between 90-100 bpm. Personally I think it's cheating to take my BP when I haven't even gotten out of bed yet so I try to take it several hours after waking up but not right after activity to get a good idea of what it really is.
So, I took it after relaxing for about 20 minutes while reading a book. My BP was 138/101, pulse 85. That is still too high, but it is an improvement over what it was a month ago. That's progress! I like progress!
My goal is to have systolics in the 120s and diastolics in the 70s, with a resting heart rate in the 60-70bpm range. (70-80 is considered healthy for an adult woman).
I'm on my way!
This time I bought fresh fruit and vegetables, some lean cube steaks (on sale), frozen turkey burgers (cheaper than fresh), and some Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice frozen dinners. Now that I'm single again, I don't have anyone else to cook for but myself so I'm in complete control over what goes into my shopping cart. My ex-fiance was a big fan of chips, ice cream, popsicles, and sugary cereals. I haven't thrown all of that out yet, but since I don't like the same flavors he likes it's not really an issue. I'll get around to throwing it out.
I was really good at the supermarket. No junk food. No chips. I don't really have a sweet tooth so candy was not a big temptation for me and I seldom ate it anyway. I don't miss not having it in my diet. What I do miss are CHIPS. Tortilla chips and potato chips. Tortilla chips dripping with that four-cheese Mexican blend...god, that's so good. I could murder a plate of that right now. I won't, because it looks better on the shelf than it does on me. But it tastes so good.
If I had a bag of Lay's in my house, I'd probably eat the whole thing. I'm hungry, but I'm being good. This is why the chip aisle is now off-limits to me. I have no willpower when it comes to that. It's easier to just not buy them. Some people can buy a bag and only eat a few at a time, incorporating them as a special treat into an otherwise very healthy diet. Not me. If they're there, they will get eaten. Quickly. The low fat versions are not satisfying because the texture is so off-putting and they have a weird aftertaste. It's the full fat version or nothing, so I opt for nothing.
Is it just me, or do their clothes really suck? Not only are they overpriced and cheaply made, they seem to embrace the notion that fat is sexy. I don't think it is, and I'm fat myself. I am repulsed by the sight of my own body and I don't like seeing other fat people wearing tight clothing showing off their rolls and bulges. I usually wear clothing that just covers up my bulk and I certainly don't want anything tight to show off MY rolls. I don't want to look at it myself, why would I think other people would want to?
The clothing at Lane Bryant is uber-trendy in the sense that it's uber-trendy if it was one year ago. They also seem to love tanks, cap sleeves, and sleeveless shirts. If you're over 200 pounds like I am, you probably have bulky arms or batwings. Why do you want to show off your flabby batwings? I don't! I'd be mortified if someone saw mine flapping around. Same with those sundresses that they sell.
About all they're good for is jeans. They do make a good pair of jeans. However, they do not stock "regular" sizes. I think their jeans sizes now go 1-5 and come in three cuts: red, blue, and yellow. The salespeople seem to want you to buy a pair that is as tight as possible. I was measured for a 3 but bought a 4 because I couldn't breathe when I sat down in the 3. They kept telling me not to buy the 4 because the jeans stretch during the day (true) and they'd be falling off me by the end of the day (not true). They're the perfect size. I know my own body better than they do so if you go jeans shopping there, don't let the salespeople persuade you to buy something a size smaller than what is comfortable for you. They're just trying to flatter you. They do that a lot. "You're not so big! You have such a cute butt! What do you mean, your boobs are saggy! No they're not!"
So I buy a pair of jeans or something there, then walk through the mall with a bag that says "LANE FUCKING BRYANT" on it and everybody knows I've just been to the fat girl store. I hate that, it's humiliating. I pass by The Gap, Old Navy, The Limited, etc. with achingly cute clothes in the window, knowing that they don't stock my size. Even if they did, their clothes are designed for a much slimmer frame. The large sizes are simply bigger versions of clothes for skinny people. When you're obese, that's just not going to fly. A lot of obese people are not simply larger versions of skinny people. Their proportions are very different and simply increasing the waist or thigh size isn't going to work.
That's where I have to give Lane Bryant credit. Their jeans are fabulous. They did their homework and designed something that really does fit the zaftig frame, and they have the different cuts for the three main obese body types: wide hips/thighs (me), straight up and down with big gut, and J-Lo-style giant butt that's so big you can hardly stand up straight.
So if you're like me and don't like jeans with elastic waistbands like they sell at JC Penney, go to Lane Bryant and try theirs out. Just don't bother with any of the rest of it.
Or you could be like me and diet and exercise your way out of ever having to set foot in that place again. I cringe every time I get near the place. I look at the other customers and think, "Geez, do I look that bad?" I'm not trying to offend anyone, but who really likes being fat? Who likes having to go to special fat stores to buy clothes and pay 10-15% more for every article of clothing? Wouldn't you rather go to Banana Republic or J. Crew? I know I would.
Friday, July 25, 2008
I'm going to post my weight here because I think it will keep me honest. I'll post my BP too, and as my clothing size drops I'll post that.
I might also keep a food diary; I used to be pretty busy when I had a fiance but now that he's out of the picture, I might have more free time to A.) keep one and B.) blog about it. I probably should anyway; I hear it helps with the weight loss.
I'm also thinking about taking Alli to keep me from being tempted by fatty foods because I hear the side effects are very unpleasant.
Basically I'm not sure right now what form this blog will take, but I will definitely be posting my weight and BP on a weekly basis to keep me honest. I may even take some photos of myself with my face blocked out so everyone can see how my body is changing. I wouldn't want anyone to see me in my underwear right now, but if someone reading this thinks it will help to motivate them then I'll do it.
There is a 24 Hour Fitness near my office and another one very close to where I live, so there is no excuse not to go. They're not far away from home or work; in fact, the one near my house is even within reasonable walking distance so I can't even use the excuse that gas is too expensive. It's two bus stops or a 10-15 minute walk away.
My goal weight is 150 lbs, which would be a loss of 106.6 lbs from my weight on July 5th. My conservative time frame for this is one year, but I'd like to get there faster. They say you shouldn't lose more than so many pounds per week because if you lose too quickly it's hard to maintain. I say BS to that. As long as I'm serious about the changes in my lifestyle I don't see why I wouldn't maintain the weight loss. Easier said than done, but 2 years ago I weighed around 280 and I've kept that weight off. So...there you go. I'd love to be a slim, slinky size 2 with long legs and little spaghetti arms. That will never happen; even at my lowest weight (around 100 lbs at age 17) I still had muscular thighs, curvy hips, and meaty upper arms. I'll never look like a supermodel. So...I'm realistic about what the end result might be. I think that will help.
When I go to the gym, I go with a workout partner from my office. We are both very motivated to lose our excess weight and to get fit and healthy. We have different reasons for wanting to do it, but we help motivate each other all the same. It helps to have someone to go to the gym with. Often one of us will be tired and might skip the gym if not for the other spurring them on to go.
When we go to the gym, we first use the elliptical machine for 20 minutes. I try to keep my stride above 110 strides per minute. I go 2 minutes forward and 1 backward. I warm up on resistance level 1, then go up to 3-4 for the rest of the workout. I try to keep my heart rate below 170 which means I have to go slower on the machine than I am physically able to do. I have noticed that I have to work harder to achieve the same heart rate that I achieved when I first started going to the gym, which means the workouts are having a positive effect on my cardiovascular strength. I think this is encouraging; I'm already seeing results.
After the elliptical machine, we hit the weight machines to work on our upper bodies. We alternate arms and chest. My workout partner is male so he works with more weight than I do. I don't want to bulk up, but I'm not sure that'll be an issue right now. We're both trying to build lean muscle to increase our basal metabolisms so we can burn more calories while at rest.
I haven't seen a nutritionist to establish a proper diet but I have been trying to eat healthy anyway. I've been skipping breakfast a lot because when I'm stressed I'm nauseated in the morning. When I can force breakfast down, it's a bowl of Raisin Bran with 2% milk. I should be on 1% or skim, but I'm still using up a carton of 2% milk I bought weeks ago. Cartons of milk last a long time. Whether I'm hungry or not, I have a cup of coffee with 2% milk in the mornings.
For lunch I have a turkey sandwich with light mayonnaise and one slice of Swiss cheese on sugar-free wheat bread, plus lots of raw vegetables and fruit. I don't measure my fruit/veg portions. I try not to snack at all during the day but if I do, I eat an apple, a few almonds, or a 100 calorie packet of dried cranberries. For dinner I try to keep the entire meal under 700 calories if possible; under 500 calories is ideal. I find the Lean Cuisine meals to be unsatisfying and since it's just me in the house now, it's hard to get motivated to cook a proper meal. When I do, I get my protein from turkey or chicken and carbs/everything else from vegetables, a small portion of boiled brown rice, a salad, etc. Basically I try to keep it hearty and filling but light and healthy which isn't easy. Some days I get lazy and cook a can of soup, but I try to get "clear" soups rather than creamy soups. I've been trying lots of different ones. I also try to get the low-sodium varieties because of my blood pressure, and even those are sometimes a little too salty so I add a bit of water to dilute them.
On July 5th, I weighed 256.6 pounds. This morning (July 25th), I weighed 246.6 pounds. I've 10 lbs, or 3.9% of my body weight, in 20 days. That's a respectable loss of 1/2 pound a day.
My blood pressure in June was measured as high as 172/128 (was sent to the hospital for that) and as low as 138/85 (high end of normal). I'd like to get my BP down to 120/70 but with my family's history of hypertension, that is ambitious. My resting heart rate is anywhere from 90bpm when I'm perfectly calm to 120 bpm when I'm anxious.
I have asthma, and I also smoke. Half a lifetime ago, I didn't smoke, wore a size 4-6 and didn't really have a problem with my asthma. My goal is to quit smoking at some point, probably when the stress of the breakup has subsided, and to get my asthma under control. I'm tired of wheezing all the time.
Suit: 20 bottom, 22 top
Over the last 3 weeks I've lost 10 pounds through stress, not eating enough, and taking out my anger and sorrow at the gym.
I'm now motivated by this. I don't think my weight had anything to do with him leaving; he's just an idiot and an a-hole. However, if I want to land a better man, appearances count. That's just a fact of the society we live in. Men don't usually go for fat women. I can understand that; I'm not really attracted to fat people either. The kind of men I'd like to date don't go for fat chicks.
So, I've decided to go for it this time and become a former fattie.