30 Day Shred...oh god, oh god

I did level 2 of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred today. It didn't seem so hard when I was doing it until the third circuit when the ab stuff was done in the plank (push-up) position. My legs feel like rubber now and it's only been 15 minutes since I finished; I'm sure I will be cursing her name tomorrow!

Basically I am trying to shock my body after losing only a little weight over the holiday period; I want to jump-start the loss again and reach my goal weight (150 lbs) by July 4th...my Independence (from fatness) Day! Right now I have about 44 lbs to go until I get to my goal. I am giving myself 7 months because I am expecting more plateaus and for my weight loss to slow down. I think getting to 150 lbs by July 4th, 2009 is totally doable. I want to wear a SWIMSUIT on my birthday for the first time since I was a teenager!

Yay, Christmas is over!

Christmas is over, I'm still in Onederland (weighed in at 194.4 this morning, haven't updated my tickers yet) and the season of parties and excess snacking is nearly over. I've still managed to lose weight up to this point and I am VERY pleased about that.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas!

No gain after a weekend of parties

On Friday at work we had a dessert party...then I had a few drinks after work...then on Saturday my friend and I pigged out on Mexican food and I had a few more drinks at that party...and then on Sunday I sat around the house doing nothing when I should have gone to the gym.

But on the bright side, I didn't gain any weight over the weekend. Excellent!

Inch loss

The first time I measured myself was August 20th, 2008, after losing quite a bit of weight.

My measurements were:

Chest: 41
Waist: 42
Hips: 49

Today, my measurements are:

Chest: 34.5
Waist: 33
Hips: 41.5

That's a loss of 6.5 inches off the chest, 9 inches off the waist, and 7.5 inches off the hips for a total of 23 inches lost! Woo hoo!

Back on track!

Weighed in at 195.8 lbs this morning.

That's a loss of 60.8 lbs so far!!!!!!

I've blown past my Christmas goal with a little over a week to go before Christmas. :-)

Feeling GREAT today, really positive!

Feeling great

Work has been so insane that I was unable to get to the gym regularly; one week I didn't get to go at all! So, my weight loss slowed down a bit and it took longer to get to Onederland than I had hoped it would.

However, I am THERE now! Work is a little less crazy at the moment so I shouldn't have as many issues getting to the gym or finding time to work out. The holidays are just around the corner, but as someone so wisely pointed out Christmas is a holiDAY, not a holiWEEK. It's ok to splurge on one day! I don't have much of a sweet tooth so cookies and candy are easy to resist, but I do love Christmas dinner. It's sooooooooooo good.

Then again, shopping in the regular size section and seeing my weight continue to drop is BETTER!

199.4!

For the first time since college, the first number on the scale is a 1 instead of a 2. I'm still kind of in shock! But VERY HAPPY!

Then and now

The "virtual me" on the left is a fairly accurate representation of what I looked like in early July.

The "virtual me" on the right is that same model at my current weight. My body doesn't look exactly like either of them, but it's as close as I can get.

It's more to show the dramatic difference! I have photos of myself before and after but I normally refuse to post photos of myself on any blog...particularly this one...as I'm deeply embarrassed by them and normally I refuse to pose for photos anyway.

Last time I posted a Virtual Model I did not see a whole lot of difference between the before/after, but I do now! Awesome!

A present from me to me?

I'm nearing my Christmas goal of Onederland and some of my friends have encouraged me to get myself a very nice treat for getting under 200 pounds. I'm contemplating this.

On the one hand, buying a $100 bottle of perfume or an expensive piece of jewelry would make me feel good, but wouldn't it be temporary? Wouldn't the image in the mirror be reward enough? I don't know. Maybe I should get myself a really nice piece of jewelry, because then I'll always associate that piece with the hard work I put in to achieve my Christmas goal.

What do you guys think?

Yippee!

The day after Thanksgiving, I weigh less than I did the day before! The wonders never cease!

It helps that I was at my parents' house, and that is where all the leftovers are. I made the mashed potatoes with butter and cream and sour cream because Thanksgiving comes only once a year, and they were very tasty!

Today I'm alternating between work (yes, WORK) and a deep clean to get my house smelling clean and fresh. Now that I am more than halfway through my weight loss journey, it is time for me to start thinking about quitting smoking. I smoke inside my house, and it does smell. I can't stand the smell (ironic) but I've decided to turn over a new leaf and stop smoking inside the house. Once I've slaved away for a whole day getting it sparkling clean, I hopefully will remember all the hard work I put in cleaning up the stench and not do it anymore.

Work = insane

Work has been insane this week. I've been good about going to the gym, but less good about food and this weight is stubborn. I haven't lost anything this week. :-(

Also, the guy I have been seeing said that he could not see me anymore until his divorce is final. "Lawyer's advice". I am not the other woman; I met him after the divorce was filed.

So I'm sick and tired of mens' bullshit, and fed up because of work and stress. This has been a very difficult week and it is only going to get worse in the run up to Christmas. I will be at work probably 60-80 hours a week until January.

I want a new job.

Cardiovascular health getting better

I focus a lot on my appearance and love life and food cravings in this blog, but one of my primary reasons for wanting to lose weight was to improve my health. Earlier this year I was sent to the ER for a blood pressure reading of 172/127 and resting heart rate of over 120 bpm. A diastolic of over 120 is a medical emergency, so my doctor promptly freaked out.

Fast forward six months later, 4.5 months into my weight loss journey, and 51.4 lbs down, my blood pressure today was 128/87, pulse 67. My diastolic is still a little high but that is a MUCH better reading.

Mini-goal #4 met!

I've met mini-goal #4 and lost 20% of my weight! That's 1/5 of what I used to be. That's pretty amazing when you think about it! I'm almost halfway through my weight loss journey, as my goal is to lose 42% of my starting weight.

My next goal is to weigh 199 lbs, i.e. that magical Onederland where I weigh under 200 lbs. Right now I have 6.2 lbs to lose to get there.

I had an amazing date

The man I have been seeing redeemed himself on Friday with the date from heaven, which to me involves lots of snuggling and cuddling. We snuggled on the sofa and he couldn't keep his hands off me. That's a wonderful feeling...to have someone tell you that they love your body. My newfound confidence helps a lot, too. :-)



I hope this one works out; I really like this guy.

Men suck, but I'm still getting slimmer.

I'm rapidly closing in on the 20% milestone, and shortly after that comes the "under 200" milestone. I am 6.8 lbs north of the 200 lb mark, and my goal for Christmas was to weigh under 200 lbs. I think now I will probably achieve that by early December, which is good. After achieving "Onederland" I will then set another date for achieving my goal weight of 150 lbs. I haven't decided what that date will be; I need to do the math first.

In other news, men suck. I knew my date last night would wiggle his way out of having coffee with me, and he did....blaming "divorce drama" for having to cancel. Oh well. In other news, I bought new clothes last night and did not once set foot in the Fat Lady section.

I didn't have the nerve to go into the regular-sized clothing stores at the mall, but I did become more familiar with the wide selection in the regular-sized section at JC Penney. Yay me!

Going to do better this week.

I haven't gained, but I haven't really lost either. Last week at work was tough, didn't go to the gym every day...plus Friday night I had a date...and on Saturday night the same guy came over and we had a Zesty Italian pizza from Papa John's. I want to get under 200 lbs before Christmas and I have 9 lbs to go, so I need to put my ass into gear and get refocused!

In the meantime, the guy I had the date with is really cute and sweet, and I like him a LOT. We're seeing each other tomorrow too. :-)

Still about the same weight, thank goodness.

I had a date last night...a really good one...and we went out for Italian food. I had some grilled chicken pasta dish with lots of vegetables that was fairly mediocre, but it wasn't gigantic and was not covered in a cream sauce or cheese. But afterwards I had tiramisu. Basically I've been really bad food-wise this week. It was a perfect storm of elections, work breakfasts, and a date. So far the consequences to my waistline have been practically nil.

I will have to do better next week.

Pigged out!

Yesterday my brother came over to watch the election returns with me. We ordered pizza and I had six....SIX...slices of pizza! (Medium hand-tossed pepperoni from Pizza Hut.) Ouf! I only went up half a pound though, and I'm betting some of that is from water retention. Pizza is so salty.

It was worth it though. So worth it. The pizza was so good and it had been about four months since I had a pizza delivered. Mmmmmm.

What a week.

This past week at work was a nightmare. We're implementing a new billing system and it has been hell on earth. I disappeared for about a week. I only had time for the gym 3 times last week. I managed to at least not gain any weight, which is a pretty good achievement considering I went to a Halloween party on Friday night, then to a friend's house to watch football yesterday...and snacked my head off both times!

Hopefully this week will be better. As for my acne, that hasn't started clearing up yet.

Acne and skin tags

Those of you who are obese like me know the shame of skin tags. They're nasty, they're embarrassing, they can even be uncomfortable sometimes.

Today I had mine removed at the dermatologists's office. It was not a painless procedure. They cleaned them, which stung because they were irritated from when I shaved my armpits yesterday (they were in my armpits). They then numbed the tags with injections under the skin, which hurt. After I was numbed up, they cut them off. I'm a little tender where they were cut off and hopefully I won't be bruised tomorrow. Bruised armpits probably hurt.

The doc took one look at the severe cystic acne that has been plaguing me since I started my weight loss journey and said it was hormonal. Most of the acne is on the jawline. I've tried everything, and I mean everything, except Proactiv. The doc injected some of the more tender and juicy zits with steroids, which hurt a LOT. I was prescribed four things...can't recall exactly what they are but I got topical creams, antibiotics, and a blood pressure pill that the dermatologist said clears up acne for all his other patients.

We shall see. $160 poorer and clutching a sheaf of prescriptions, I headed out to the car gingerly as to avoid injuring my tender armpits and drove home by way of Walgreens to drop off the scrips. I shudder to think how much they'll cost even with insurance.

Big Medicine

I've become totally addicted to a show called Big Medicine that is shown on Discovery Health at 11pm Central time every Friday night. I Tivo it; I'm usually not around on Friday nights to watch it *g*!

Some of the people on the show are simply extraordinary, but they have done it the "cheater" way, i.e. with gastric bypass surgery. At my heaviest, I would probably have qualified for GB and I see people on the show who started off smaller than me who now have to have plastic surgery to remove excess skin. Zoinks! I hope that doesn't happen to me, but it very well might. :-(

On this week's show there was this one woman who weighed about 450 lbs. She was crying about how she had always been at 350 lbs and how she had "let herself go". Yikes. If you weigh 350 lbs, you let yourself go a looooong time ago. She's also married with 3 children. It kind of depresses me that SHE has what I want, i.e. a husband and a family, and she weighs twice what I do. How does that work? I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me. I hate being single.

But I digress. It's an interesting show and I recommend it.

TOM

I just love my TOM now. I gained a couple of pounds in water weight and then took most of the week to get it back off. :-(



It's off now though, and I'm at 213.8. I haven't seen a number that low staring back at me in about a decade. Awesome!

Down to 214.2!

I'm rapidly approaching mini-goal #4: 20% weight loss! WOO HOO!

I'm starting to enjoy clothes shopping, probably because I get to wear the smaller sizes (eeee!) and because I'm very close to not having to shop in the fat lady section anymore. I can almost taste it.

I can't wait to pass Lane Bryant by and head straight for J. Crew or Banana Republic or The Gap. It's going to be awesome.

Bronchitis is the gift that keeps on giving.

I've lost a LOT of weight since October 1st...I started the month at 224lbs and weighed in today at 215.8. Part of it is due to a loss of appetite, but I'm still surprised at how much weight I have dropped due to this illness. It's a little worrying.

Went clothes shopping yesterday

I peeled myself off the sofa long enough to go clothes shopping yesterday.

I've been wearing Red 3 bootcut jeans from Lane Bryant (fellow Lane Bryant shoppers know what I mean), but they're a bit large now so I bought a pair of Red 2 bootcuts. I was also encouraged to try on a pair of Yellow 3 bootcuts because my body shape has changed. I used to have a bigger butt in relation to the rest of my body but I have lost a lot of inches off my hips and butt, so they recommended the yellows. They fit differently, but also looked good. So I bought those too.

Started with: Red 4 bootcut
Wearing now: Red 2 bootcut/Yellow 3 bootcut

Then I went to JC Penney and looked for work pants. I found a pair of those Lee plain front pants. I started off wearing a 20W in those, and I'm now down to a 16W in that particular style of pants. I could only find one pair in any color in that size, so I bought it. I also bought a couple of casual long-sleeve tees in size 1x, which is the size I've been wearing all along. Those shirts shrink a lot. The 1x started off a little on the small side for me and is now a little too large.

Started with: Lee Plain Front trouser 20W
Wearing now: Lee Plain Front trouser 16W

Since the other pair of 16W plain fronts that I have is a little baggy on me, I wandered over to the normal-sized section of the store and was shocked at how HUGE it is. Oh god, the selection! Amazing! I hadn't been to that side of the store in years. I found those same Lee plain front pants in size 14, so I got a pair plus a pair of Dockers Ideal Fit in a size 16. I knew they wouldn't fit just by looking at them, but they're for later. I also bought some of the same casual tees I had bought in the big lady section, but in size XL. They fit perfectly, but they will shrink when washed.

I tried on the smaller pants at home and I cannot pull either pair all the way up, but they'll be a good yardstick for me. I weighed about 218 lbs yesterday and I'm thinking both pairs may fit by the time I achieve my Christmas goal of 199 lbs. I will fit into them *someday*, so it's not a waste of money.

I ended up spending about $175 on new clothes, but I am also giving away a large bundle of clothing that is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too big for me. I am getting rid of those clothes because I never want to fit into them again. If all I have are clothes that are my size or smaller, that'll be extra added incentive to not order that pizza or eat that 3 Musketeers bar.

15% weight loss achieved!

I've been hovering above my mini-goal of 15% weight loss...I was over it by .3 lbs. Wasn't going to cheat and said I'd met it until today, when my weight dropped to 217.6 lbs.

So yay! I've lost 39 lbs so far on my journey. I went shopping for clothes yesterday even though I was sick, because I'm giving some of my old "fat" clothes away to charity. I'm keeping a couple of pairs of my largest pants so I can hopefully someday pose for a photo with both of my legs in one of the legs of the fat pairs. I can only hope.

I'm just a little lacking in enthusiasm because I've been sick as a dog all week. I went to the gym on Wednesday and thought I was going to pass out. I haven't been since. I can't wait to get well so I can get back there.

I've been sick

I haven't been updating the blog because I've been sick for a week. I finally went to the doctor a couple of days ago and was diagnosed with bronchitis. I've been banned from going to the gym until at least Monday.

On the plus side, I've lost over 5 pounds this week alone.

*sigh* I hate being sick.

Inch loss

I first measured my chest, waist, and hips on 08/20/2008. Those measurements were:

Chest: 41"
Waist: 42"
Hips: 49"

Today's measurements are:

Chest: 37"
Waist: 35"
Hips: 44.75"

That's a loss of 4 inches off the chest, 7 inches off the waist, and 4.25 inches off the hips. Pretty cool huh????

Being sick = good diet?

I came down with a cold on Sunday. When I'm sick I generally lose my appetite. I'm down to 219.4 lbs this morning. I think I approached 1,000 calories consumed yesterday, and I had to kind of force those down because I know I am supposed to eat when I'm sick; I simply don't want to.

I hope as I get well, these pounds I've lost don't creep back on. I don't think it's water because I have been drinking plenty of that; I get really thirsty when I'm sick.

I also passed the metric milestone and then some: 99.5kg this morning.

Nearing a metric milestone!

It's not one of my goals, but my weight is very close to dropping below 100kg. Yay for metric milestones!

Still going down!

This week was slow in terms of weight loss, but I think that 223 reading earlier in the week may have been a fluke as my weight shot up by a pound immediately afterwards, but then I dropped weight again at my regular rate.

Not a setback...just an irritation. This is the least I've weighed in a long time.

Today, I'm going to a friend's barbecue and it's going to be tough temptation-wise. I'm bringing fruit salad, so I'll try to stick closer to that! And small portions of meat. I hope there will be crudites.

Quiet week

It has been a bad week weight-wise. I hit a low of 223 lbs, then immediately bounced up by a full pound, then lost a bit of it. I try not to get frustrated by fluctuations but it is disappointing to look at the scale some mornings.

This week I've been so tired and so wrapped up in work; I'm so glad it's Friday. So so glad. I'm so tired.

Nearly 10lbs for the month!

The journey continues with nearly 33lbs lost since July 5th. I'm beginning to see the difference and people at work who don't know about my weight loss journey are noticing that I've lost weight.

I think I may need a smaller size of work pants soon. The 18s I've been wearing are a bit on the baggy side. I may try a 16 soon.

I also had a date yesterday. A guy I met on Chemistry and I went bowling around lunchtime yesterday. We seemed to hit it off; he seems to want to see me again. He's really cute and really funny, and definitely would have been out of my league before I lost 30lbs. I think he's still a bit out of my league now but I'm still losing, and I'm a lot more confident and outgoing now than I used to be. Maybe that shows.

My Christmas Goal

Some of you may have noticed the new ticker at the bottom of the page. It's for my Christmas goal of getting to Onederland (i.e. weighing in the 100s) . When I first put up the ticker the starting weight was what my weight was that day (I think it was 227) but then I changed it to have the weight I started with at the beginning of my journey.

Christmas is a tad less than 3 months away, and I have about 26-27 pounds to lose between then and now. It's what I'm shooting for. It will be my Christmas present to myself.

Back on track, I guess!

The scale this morning said 225.8! A consequence-free pigout! I shouldn't get used to that.

I'm going out to lunch today with my grandmother and I'm going to be very good. I see a guilt-free chicken platter from Chili's in my future. I think it's less than 500 calories, but it has an astonishing amount of sodium. Later this afternoon I'll go to the gym and probably sweat most of that extra salt out anyway, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Yippee, 225.8!

Stalled at 226...

I've been stalled at this weight for a few days now, and I have a terrible feeling the scale is going to bounce tomorrow morning.

I went to happy hour with a couple of friends and had a big frozen strawberry margarita and an order of onion rings. Yikes. That kind of stuff always packs on a couple of pounds even though logically speaking it shouldn't, since it doesn't weigh a couple of pounds and it doesn't have enough calories to make me gain an entire 2lbs. I don't know why the scale fluctuates like that, but it does.

Oh well. Will face the music in the morning and if it does bounce up a couple of pounds, big deal. I lost them before, I'll lose them again.

30lbs lost!

According to the scale, as of this morning I have lost 30.2lbs, or 11.8% of my body weight.

30.2lbs is quite an accomplishment! I feel very proud of myself today. It motivates me to keep going, keep going, keep going!

BP getting closer to normal

My blood pressure this morning was 138/84 and my heart rate was 72BPM.

For someone who was sent to the emergency room in May with a BP of 172/120 something and a heart rate of 120BPM, that's pretty good. My BP was normally not higher than 150/100 but even that is very high. 172/120 apparently constituted a medical emergency. When they took my BP after an hour of sitting in the ER, it was in the 130s/80s range, but that's after sitting still and reading for a full hour.

I do have white coat hypertension to an extent, but my average BP readings at home have dropped by about 10 on both the systolic and the diastolic, and my pulse rate has fallen by over 20 beats per minute.

In other words, my BP is nearly normal even though I'm still obese. By the time I get to my goal weight, my BP readings will probably always be in the extremely healthy range!

Single again, and nearly 30lbs down.

Scale said 227.4lbs this morning. And I'm single again. My on-again, off-again, on-again boyfriend is now off-again, and this time it's for good. I'm not even upset, I don't love him anymore. I'm just irritated, and afraid I'll die childless and alone.

In other news, I've lost nearly 30lbs since the start of my journey. That's almost 30lbs in a little over 2 months. I have 28lbs to lose before I get to "onederland", i.e. weighing under 200lbs, so I need to keep this up. My medium-term goal is to reach "onederland" by Christmas.

Plus if I ever want to find another man I have to lose weight. Most men in this city seem to be of the "no fat chicks" variety.

My virtual model

There's a site called My Virtual Model where you can build a little computer model that you can customize to look like you.

I couldn't find one that looked just like me body-wise or hair-wise, but I tried to get as close as I could.

On the left is my virtual model at 257lbs, near my starting weight.

On the right is my virtual model at 228lbs, near my current weight.

I guess what's really depressing is they don't look all that different! When you flip back and forth between the two images you can see the smaller one shrink, but looking at them side by side they look almost the same.

I'm not sure how this is supposed to motivate me.

28lbs exactly

I've been trying to lose around 10lbs a month, but I don't believe I'll do that this month. On September 1st I weighed in at 233.6 lbs, and today I tipped the scales at 228.6 lbs, a loss of only 5 lbs with the month more than half over.

Oh well...I'm still losing and that number on the scale continues to get smaller, not bigger. That's all that counts. That and the measurements of my chest, waist, and hips. In the last month I have lost 2" off my chest, 3.25" off my waist, and 2.25" off my hips. I think that's pretty decent!

Hurricane Ike Disaster Relief

This is meant to be a weight loss blog, but I'm going to put that aside for a minute to encourage people to donate to the American Red Cross to help victims of Hurricane Ike.

I confess that I live in Texas, a state that was hit extremely hard by this storm. Beautiful, historic Galveston lies in ruins and parts of the Houston metro area were destroyed. The storm cut a path of destruction through east Texas, also affecting Beaumont and the lovely city of Tyler.

You can help the victims of the storm by donating to the American Red Cross.

http://american.redcross.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ntld_main

It will take weeks and months to rebuild after this storm, but in the meantime its victims need food, shelter, and medical care.

Thank you.

Out of the 230s!

I woke up at 3am and weighed myself just for funsies. I didn't wake up in order to weigh myself; I woke up because I had to pee. After peeing I stepped on the scale and it read 228.8 lbs. I was thrilled. I weighed myself again at 6am, expecting the same result...and it was 229.4 lbs.

So, that's the weight I recorded. I try to be strict about that and only record my 6am weight. I don't know where that .6 lbs came from, but it doesn't really matter. I'll see 228.8 lbs again, and soon.

So far I've lost 27.2 lbs. I feel awesome. It's such a sense of accomplishment and I feel more confident and in control. I feel especially blessed to be out of the 230s because on Sunday I pigged out on chips, queso, and flautas with sour cream when I went out for Tex-Mex with a friend of mine...then again I had nothing but fried food from Sonic when my BF came over last night.

I have no idea what the caloric content of the Tex-Mex was so I didn't record it. About all I can say about it was it was "a lot". Probably in the 1800-2000 calorie range for the meal. Luckily, Sonic publishes nutritional information so I did record that. Even with a snack-size popcorn chicken, regular fries, and mozzarella sticks I stayed under 1600 calories for the day. Awesome!

Ike Schmike

After days of warning of power outages and flooding, nothing happened here. Nothing. It rained all day, but it didn't flood. It was windy, but not very windy.

My thoughts are with the people who were affected by Ike, though. I hear it's terrible down on the Texas and Louisiana coasts.

Ike

I have not revealed where I live, but I am in an area that will be affected by Ike in the coming hours.

I really hope the power doesn't go out.

10% ACHIEVED!

This morning I stepped on the scale and it said 230.8. That's a loss of 10.1% of my weight!

YIPPEE!

In other news, I think my on-again, off-again, on-again boyfriend is now off-again for good. I'm tired of his fickle moods and the way he keeps blowing me off, so I'm not going to bother with him anymore. He made a date with me for tonight, then abruptly cancelled it yesterday. I texted him back to ask why and he never responded. So, to hell with him. I'm going to go to a meetup.com thingy tonight after work and meet new people. Onwards and upwards I guess!

Stuck right above my mini-goal

I've been hovering between 232 and 231 for several days now. It's getting a little frustrating, particularly since I have been somewhat constipated since I started trying to lose weight and it's annoying. I do not want to take laxatives because the side effects are painful and laxatives can be habit-forming. I'm trying to introduce more soluble fiber into my diet and I'm trying to remember to drink more water to get things moving, but so far nothing.

I think I really need to re-examine my diet but by the time I get home cooking is the last thing on my mind. I need things that are super-easy. I also live alone, which makes cooking more tedious. It really is a pain in the ass to dirty up 2-3 pots and pans just for myself. When I was married I cooked pretty much every day and it wasn't a big deal because I was cooking for 2 people, not 1.

I really hate living alone.

Men are pigs

My on-again, off-again boyfriend is flaking out on me again.

So, I've decided to cut off communication with him. I'm sure he will not attempt to make a date or contact me; I always have to initiate everything, so if he really wants me he'll try to see me. He doesn't, so he won't.

I fucking hate men right now. The thing is, I knew it would end up this way when we got back together. Why did I do it? Afraid of being alone, I guess. I'm sick of not being the most important person in anyone's life. I'm not even the most important person in my own life.

10% is just around the corner

I am a mere .6 lbs (six tenths of a pound) away from losing 10% of my starting weight.

This is awesome.

I'm very excited.

I know that once I achieve this goal I will have merely another mini-goal to achieve (15%, 12.9 more pounds to lose) but it's still exciting.

1.6lbs away from 10%!

One of the unpleasant side effects of reducing food intake and changing the nutritional content of one's diet is constipation. It's very common and usually goes away with a few tweaks to the diet.

Me, I had to eat a bowl of Raisin Bran to get things moving again. Right now they're very sluggish, but I had not gone in a couple of days. Everything I'd eaten since Tuesday was backed up in there. Ouch.

So I went and am now at 232.6. Yippee!

Stalled....

I'm still at 233.2 lbs and to top it off, I have a cold so I can't work out as hard, if at all.

Sigh.

Getting closer...

Weighed in at 233.2lbs this morning.

I'm only 2.2lbs from meeting my next mini-goal of losing 10% of my weight! That's a total of 25.6lbs since early July. Of course I have other mini-goals after that, but passing the 10% mark will be awesome.

My next ones are:

• 15% loss (38.4 lbs lost)
• 20% loss (51.32 lbs lost)
• Under 200 lbs (57 lbs lost)
• 25% loss (64 lbs lost)
• 30% loss (77 lbs lost)

Baby steps people, baby steps!

Each mini-goal that I achieve indicates significant progress, and doesn't make the overall amount of weight that I need to lose so intimidating. Meet one mini-goal, work towards the next. Meet that mini-goal, work towards the next, with one eye on the big prize: GOAL.

23lbs lost, nearing 10% weight loss

I've lost 23lbs of ugly flab in a little under two months.

I feel awesome even though I've got almost 85lbs to go to reach my goal. I feel energized and positive about reaching my goal. I know I can do it. I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to doing.

I'm now a mere 2.6lbs away from my second "mini-goal" of 10% weight loss. What an achievement that is. I'm really proud of myself today. At the rate I'm losing, I should hit 10% next week, probably Thursday. Hehehehe!

My cardiovascular health is improving!

After I took a bath, I laid down on the bed for a few minutes to relax. I need to do this before taking my BP because the hot, humid air in the bathroom aggravates my asthma. That makes me breathe hard and raises my heart rate and BP.

After 3-4 minutes, I sat up and took my blood pressure. It was 131/80, pulse 66BPM.

I knew that my resting heart rate had slowed quite a bit just by feeling my pulse in my neck, but 66 BPM is pretty good I think! A year ago if I'd taken my pulse right after waking up from 8 hours of sleep, it'd still be in the 90s.

Weight loss has been a major concern on this journey, but improving my cardiovascular health has been just as important. Hypertension runs in the family, and it runs hard. So does heart disease on both sides. My doc was talking about putting me on medication for high blood pressure. I'm 33 years old. I am way too young for that. I said to her "No way. I'm going to take this weight off and work out to get fit." She shrugged as if to say "I've heard that one before."

She'll be eating her words when I see her in October. It ought to be fun.

Same weight today as yesterday!

It's amazing how that Tex-Mex sat like a bowling ball in my stomach for quite a while, and I belched up a storm.

Fatty, cheesy foods are starting to not sit well with me. I notice that they cause flatulence, heartburn, and general all-around discomfort. I realized that that is how I used to feel all the time. I didn't really notice it then but boy do I notice it now.

I don't know how I used to deal with that all the time. I used to go out to eat every day at work and I'd gorge on Mexican, Italian, pizza, hamburgers, whatever. I'd come back to work in pain from how full I was and it would take hours for me to feel "well" again, but it would not take long for me to feel hungry again. I was also tired and I would nod off at my desk after lunch at least twice a week.

No more!

Pigged out, then killed self at gym

I was waaaaaaay out west of the city visiting my nephew today and after my brother dropped him off with his mom, we realized we were close to one of our favorite restaurants. So, we went.

I pigged out. Tex-Mex is a huge, HUGE weakness for me. Between that lunch and my breakfast, I gobbled down nearly 2,000 calories by 1:30 pm.

Ouch.

Determined to lessen the cost I'll have to pay for that when I step on the scale, I went to the gym after I finished digesting said lunch...or at least after I'd digested it enough to not barf all over the expensive fitness machines.

Did 40 minutes on the elliptical. I sweat like a pig on that thing and today was no exception. My knees were buckling by the end. The machine said I burned a smidge over 500 calories in that 40 minutes.

Then I decided to cool down with 20 minutes at 3mph on the treadmill. There's a fan close to it and the treadmills themselves have little fans on them, so I literally cooled down on it. Kept the heart rate above 140bpm (not hard for me). At least temperature-wise I felt refreshed and revitalized enough for...

20 minutes of strength training! I focused on the upper body and took it easy on myself because I'm still sore all over from doing 30 Day Shred on Thursday.

Then I tried to undo the soreness with 20 minutes of gentle stretching and immediately afterwards I felt better, but my muscles have tightened up again.

Sigh.

My total weight loss so far!

This is my total weight loss so far since July 5th, 2008. I've lost a total of 21.6 lbs.

It looks WAY cooler on the chart.

Just look at that.

I did that. On my own. Nobody else.

That's aaaaaaaaaaall me!

It's hard to describe how proud I am of this achievement. I'm wearing my pants a size smaller than when I started. People are starting to notice the weight loss. Even when they don't say anything, I can see them checking me out...not because they think I look good, but because they wonder what has changed.

I'll tell you what has changed.

21.6 lbs that used to be ON ME is now gone. Forever. It's never coming back. I won't allow it!

21.6 lbs lost

I clawed my way to 21 lbs lost, even though it's my TOM and I usually put on a couple of pounds of water. Not this month, I guess. I did the 30 day shred video yesterday instead of going to the gym; maybe that was the difference! Probably not!

Update: I read the scale wrong, it's actually 235 on the nose...not 235.6. Even better! It's weird though; normally I do not lose weight during my time of the month. I'm not complaining though.

20.8 lbs down

Maybe someday I won't be so jazzed about losing 1/5th of a pound, but for now it's a victory! Yippee!

Scale said 235.8lbs this morning. Scale good. Scale will be rewarded with cuddles.

Getting close to that time again...

I'm going to have to endure my T.O.M. (time of the month) again soon, probably tomorrow or more likely on Thursday. I've put on a pound of water weight, which is normal for me when I'm approaching my T.O.M.

I'm just trying to be very good about what I eat, hitting the gym as usual, and I'm just trying to not be concerned about the normal monthly fluctuation in weight. I've lost 8% of my starting weight and that is nothing to sneeze at.

Basically the worst part of this time of the month is that I get very hungry and I crave...CRAVE...starch and fried food. Resisting those urges is the most difficult part. I have my ways of motivating myself. I read articles about living with diabetes. I look at photos of extremely obese people. I then hit the J. Crew website and look at those wonderful clothes that, if I keep up my discipline, I will someday be able to fit into. I try to resist the urge to give in to "logic", i.e. me telling myself "c'mon, one fried chicken dinner isn't going to kill you." Yes it is! I'm weak! I want to lose the taste for that stuff!

It's sort of working already; whenever I eat rich fatty foods now, I feel ill. That's what I want.

20.6 lbs DOWN

I've passed the 20 pound mark. For some reason that seems significant even though this 20.6 lbs is only 8% of my starting body weight.

People say it's really hard to lose this much weight. I have not found that to be the case, but I also hear that the bigger you are, the easier it can be to lose weight because your daily calorie requirements are higher and because you burn more calories through exercise than someone half your weight. I'd believe that.

I expect the rate of my weight loss will slow down in time, as my caloric requirements will decrease and I won't burn nearly as many calories with each workout. When I recently used the elliptical with the default weight (150 lbs), I was really surprised at the difference between the calories burned on that one and the amount burned when I enter my weight.

Goodbye Olympics

The Olympics came to a close today. I am an Olympics JUNKIE. Actually, that's understating it. I can't get enough of it when it comes around every four years. I ADORE the Olympics. The sport, the drama, the exhiliration...it's incredible.

I can't wait until the next ones in 2012. The Winter Olympics are OK, but the Summer Olympics have the best events. Gymnastics, swimming, diving, track & field...I love all of it but I love those four the most.

Beijing did a very good job of putting the Olympics on, but I am still of the opinion that China is a closed and authoritarian society and the thought of it as the next economic superpower does worry me. I have nothing against the Chinese people; I've known many people from China in my lifetime and they've always been warm, polite, and kind. Their government? It needs to go!

There are 1,433 days to go until the 2012 Olympics kick off in London on July 27th, 2012.

The 2010 Olympics kick off in Vancouver in February 2010. That's not that far off...a little over a year and a half away. I can't wait.

Congratulations to all the athletes who participated but particularly to the US athletes, especially our gymnasts, our swimmers, and our track & field athletes. You all ROCK! USA! USA! USA!

500 calories!

I burned 500 calories...in fact, 503, on the elliptical machine today. It took a little over 40 minutes. I worked my ass off to reach 500 calories in 40 minutes and I did it. I feel pretty awesome. I kept my caloric intake at 1,700 today. A little more than I'd like, but given how much I busted my ass in my workout I feel OK about it.

Down exactly 19 lbs so far

...and that is despite pigging out on flautas and chips and salsa last night. I had not planned to go out, it just sort of happened.

The ex-fiance I mentioned at the beginning...wants to get back together and give it another try. I really want it to work out and he says he does too. It felt really natural for the two of us to be together. I want to be optimistic but the last time ended in tears....but I don't want to go into this expecting to fail either, because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

More later.

Down another pound!

Current weight: 237.8

Total weight lost so far: 18.8 lbs

That's 7.4% of my starting weight....I'm on my way to my next mini-goal of 10%, which I will reach when I get down to 231 lbs. I hope to hit it sometime in mid-September.

I've lost just a shade under 19 lbs. Wow. It hasn't really been difficult yet and I hit a mini-plateau last week, but I also did not eat all that well (ate out at least twice that week) so I suppose it's not so bad.

I can't see the loss but I do feel it. My pants are definitely looser, but they're a size 20 so they're pretty huge already.

Mainly I can only feel the results; my legs and arms are firmer, my butt is smaller, and my boobs have gotten a little smaller. I only recently found a tape measure so I have only one measurement at 238.8 lbs; I'll measure myself again in about a week. I'm new to it so I'm not sure how accurate my measurements will be but I figure I'll get better at it the more I do it.

Yippee, not a bad way to start my Friday morning!

I gave in to deliciousness.

I gave in to deliciousness and had a 3 Musketeers bar yesterday. It was orgasmically good. I also managed to keep my caloric intake at a respectable 1,736 calories for the day which is a bit over half what my body burns in a day. So, I figure I can afford to indulge occasionally.

Candy has never been my downfall anyway. Pizza, fried chicken, BBQ, etc. That's what I crave. When I lived in England, Indian food and fish & chips were the evil influences. Those, and bacon sandwiches. I'll let my fellow Americans in on a little secret: the food in England is terrific. It's really really good. However, it's every bit as fatty as food is here, and the English have pretty much caught up to us in the obesity stakes despite walking much more (on average) than we do. Just imagine how big they'd be if they didn't walk more than we do.

I thought I'd lose weight living in England for six years, simply because I'd have to walk a lot more. Sadly not. Oh well! Now I drive everywhere but I'm still losing weight using a simple equation: Fewer calories + going to the gym = slow and steady weight loss.

Waiting for it to get "hard"

No, not THAT "it". Pervs.

What's making me nervous is while I'm working out 5-6 days a week and am religiously counting calories, so far it has not been all that difficult to lose weight. Basically I've had to increase my physical activity through cardio and strength training, and I've had to restrict my caloric intake by finding nutritious foods that are much lower in calories than foods I ate previously.

The thing that has been difficult to cope with has been the cravings. This is month #2 of my journey to health and fitness, and there are foods I am desperately craving right now. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I could kill a 3 Musketeers bar right now. I really like those. Mostly my cravings are for foods of the fried, melty/cheesy, salty variety. Fried chicken. Nachos. Pizza. Enchiladas. Chips and queso. Flautas and taquitos coated in sour cream. Hot dogs with ketchup, mustard, and relish. Barbecue. Oh god, barbecue. Riiiiiiiiiiibs. Briiiiiiiiisket. I'm drooling.

Before I started trying to lose weight, I would eat those things often. Sometimes, I'd eat all of them at least once in a single week.

I'm not one of those people who is going to try to make excuses for my size. "I had a rough childhood." "It's glandular." "I have big bones." "It runs in my family." "I simply look at cake and I gain 5 pounds." "I've tried everything." "I eat like a bird and I can't lose a single pound."

Sorry, but bullshit. Major, utter, total bullshit. There are conditions and medications that can cause you to gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight, but the vast majority of the time people are overweight because they eat too much and don't exercise enough, if at all. In a nutshell, overweight/obesity is the path of least resistance in this country and far too many people are happy to let their genetic and/or metabolic tendencies towards obesity take over as they scarf down cheesecake, burgers, pizza, tacos, and look miserably at the thin women in the room happily laughing with their friends and families and wonder why that can't be them.

It can. Put down the fucking fork and get up off your ass and it can. This POV is controversial among fellow "fatties" and especially in the "fat acceptance" movement. However, it is honestly how I feel. I feel a lot of obesity is down to genetic/metabolic tendencies that, coupled with a poor diet and low activity, conspire to make someone obese. People need to stop thinking of food as pleasure and start thinking of it as fuel. Different types of engines (people) work most efficiently with different types of fuel (food). Some engines can take a really rich mixture. Some can't.

I will freely admit that I ate and couch potato'd my way into morbid obesity. Yup. I did it to myself. I graduated high school a size 4-6. Then, I ate. And ate. And ate and ate and ate and ate. Over the years as the pounds piled on, I kept meaning to cut back. I meant to work out. I meant to change my lifestyle. I didn't. I zoomed through the single digit sizes, then worked my way through the teens until I was a size 24. Twenty fucking four. That is really hard to take for someone who used to be so slim that she could wear a size "extra small" skirt from The Gap, and who darkened the doorways of Banana Republic, The Limited, and J. Crew on a regular basis, wearing their beautiful and trendy clothing.

Now that I have changed my lifestyle, I've lost 17.8 lbs in 7 1/2 weeks. I intend to keep on losing until I reach a healthy weight of 150 lbs, after which I will step back and take a well-deserved maintenance break. My ultimate goal is to get down into the low 130s-high 120s, but that will come later. Getting down to 150 is good enough to put me at a healthy weight and to vastly reduce my risk for heart disease and diabetes.

Am I jealous of thin people who don't have to watch what they eat very closely, and who don't exercise very much? Of course I am! I wish I could eat tacos and pizza and fried chicken and still be a size 8! However, I can't. I had to decide what was more important to me: food, or living to see age 50.

I made my decision. It's up to everyone to make theirs, but I believe that obesity is by and large a self-inflicted condition. I do not feel sorry for people who have eaten their way into obesity, and I do not expect sympathy from others. I don't think it's right for people to treat me badly because of what I've done to my body, but at the same time I do not expect anyone to tell me that it isn't my fault. And...if they did, I'd tell them they were wrong.

It is my fault. I did it to myself. Ultimately, I decided what to shovel into my gullet. Nobody held me down and force-fed me. I'm taking responsibility.

Getting close to my next mini-goal!

I'm only 7.8 lbs away from my next mini-goal, which is 10% of my starting weight.

That would be a total loss of 25.6lbs since July 5th.

I want to be there by September 19th by the latest. I hope to achieve it earlier than that!

This is my 2 month chart from FitDay.com. It's a really cool site that you can use to chart your weight, your diet, your nutrition, etc. I use it every single day. I haven't used it from the very beginning of my journey; I had been tracking my weight in a spreadsheet and I later added those figures to FitDay. That's what 17.2 lbs lost looks like on that site. Pretty cool, huh?

I'm very proud of it.

I haven't played with all the tools on the site yet. I need to get a tape measure so I can use the measurement tools. At some point I'll post photos of myself; I have a side view of myself at 245 lbs. I want to lose more before I post them so there will be a definite difference between the "before" and the "during" photos.

Sadly I did not take a photo of myself at the very beginning, but I have almost 90 lbs left to lose so that 245 lbs photo is good enough. I doubt I'd see the difference between 256.6 and 245 lbs anyway.

Back on track

I'm out of the 240s now...weighed in at 239.4. I was so excited I actually clapped. Most people would not be excited to weigh 239.4 lbs, but when you started off at 256.6 it's something to celebrate.

I had a date last night

Not sure how to feel about it. The guy seemed nice and seemed to like me, and I liked him; but I was home by 11:15pm on a Friday night. Ugh. I also got a hug but no kiss. He said he'd call me.

I'd be shocked if he did, I really would. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue, but I can't possibly imagine any man actually wanting to be with me.

We went out for Indian food and I woke up this morning 3.5 lbs heavier with horrible edema in my legs and hands. I've been trying to flush out the bloat all day and managed to get 2 lbs of it out, but 1.5 lbs of it is still hanging around.

I haven't lost anything this week. It's pissing me off.

Put your personality to work!

I posted this, mostly verbatim, on a message board recently. I got some positive feedback on it so I thought I would share it here.

It helps to figure out what about your personality you can leverage to help you on your journey. For example, I'm a tightwad and I *hate* wasting money. I can't stand it, it bothers me. I make plenty of it, but I hoard it like there's no tomorrow. My friends actually make fun of me for it. I'm generous when it comes to friends and family, but I also try to live on one paycheck and save the other. I'm weird like that; my friends think I should "live a little". Then again, I'm 33 and have a six figure nest egg and they don't, so it's paying off!

Given that, you might think it would be difficult for me to sign up for gym membership. Nope! If I use it a lot, I'm getting good value for money. I'm all about that. So, I go to the gym a LOT. I actually have it broken down by visit, i.e. I pay $x per month and I go x times per month, so I pay $x each time I go. The more times I go, the "cheaper" each visit gets. I'd be paying the same amount of money whether I went 1 time or 100 times, so I go as often as I can be motivated to go. Some days I'm simply too tired to go, or I feel a little creaky or sore. Then I do the cost/benefit analysis of doctor visits and injuring myself and not being able to go to the gym vs skipping a day. It might sound very Type A and stupid, but it's how I roll.

I can also apply this thriftiness to my food shopping. I now spend more on food than I used to even though I'm single now. This is because I no longer buy junk and I eat a lot more "whole" foods. Since I hate wasting money, I look in the fridge and think, "better eat those tomatoes before they go off," or "that bok choy was expensive...better make a stir fry." Sometimes I have a little sticker shock at the supermarket when I manage to drop $50 in a single visit on just myself, but then I think...."$50 vs diabetes, high blood pressure, shopping at Lane Bryant...it's worth it!"

On the other hand, I can be pretty lazy. Astonishingly so. I suppose it's tied to thriftiness...I don't like to waste energy. Knowing that I have lazy tendencies, I stock my freezer with plenty of healthy microwave meals for those days when I don't want to cook, or don't have the motivation/time to prepare a lunch to bring with me to work. This cuts out the temptation to hit the drive-thru or order a pizza. Hitting the drive-thru involves getting in the car, driving somewhere, waiting, etc. Ordering a pizza involves waiting and then there's always the irritation that comes with the pizza being late or cold. Or wrong. I pop a Lean Cuisine into the microwave on those lazy nights and avoid all that.

Basically I thought about who I am as a person...controlling, thrifty, but also somewhat lazy. I thought about how these tendencies could sabotage my efforts, but also how I could make them work for me. It's almost like I'm tricking myself. I know I'm doing it, but it has worked so far. Also, since I'm a total control freak who borders on obsessive about certain things (the organization of my closet, how my dishes are stacked, etc.), I found religion about counting calories and weighing myself. It feeds into my control freaky/obsessive personality and in the wrong hands could be a bad thing, but in my case it imparts a discipline that might not be there otherwise. I obsess about calories, so I'm very likely to count every tiny little thing I eat, and every tiny little bit of exercise that I do.

So...figure out what your strong personality traits are, even if they're negative (as mine are), and try to make them work for you instead of against you. In the month before I actively tried to lose weight, I was doing a lot of thinking and jotting down. I wanted to go into this eyes wide open.

I'm 33 and it's very unlikely that I'll get less Type A as I get older. It's unlikely that I'll all of a sudden start blowing entire paychecks at Nordstrom's. It's unlikely that I'll suddenly become the kind of person who is active, active, active all day long. So, I'm trying to make the kind of person that I am work for me for a change instead of against me. That's something that does come with age...the wisdom to try to work with what you have instead of trying to become something you're not.

That 1.5 lbs vanished

I weighed myself again and now weigh 240.4 lbs.

I dunno where it went; I suppose I peed it out. Oh well, I'm still going to be extra good food-wise today and I worked my butt off at the gym! I'll allow myself one pigout a month and that's IT!

Gained 1.5 lbs overnight

I went out with friends yesterday to celebrate one of their birthdays. We had a Mexican food pigout at lunch and since I haven't had Mexican food in a while, I went along and didn't gripe. I was talking to them about my recent weight loss; I merely mentioned that I'd recently lost 16 lbs.

They acted like they didn't care...then the claws came out and they actually criticized me for trying to lose weight. One of them is overweight and the other is very obese. Every time I see her, she seems fatter. When I first met her a year ago she wasn't nearly that big, but she looks like she has packed at least 50 lbs since I met her. She had once dieted down into a size 8, but she is easily bigger than I am now. Easily. Probably by a healthy margin.

We all got together with a larger group in the evening at a restaurant where everything is deep-fried. The birthday cake was enormous and an enormous slice of it was set in front of me. I ordered french fries for my entree because I know what's in a portion of fries, and I figured it wasn't any less healthy than fried chicken fingers, a burger, deep-fried fish, etc. They did have salads but they were infested with cheese, fatty dressings, and some of them had shellfish in them (to which I'm allergic). Knowing that some kitchens will simply pick out by hand what you don't want, I decided to go for the devil I know. I ate a fraction of the french fries on the plate and then only a few bites of the enormous piece of cake in front of me.

I felt ill after eating that food. When I got home I took a single Correctol, not because I believe it prevents fat and nutrients from being absorbed (it doesn't) but because I felt backed up and I hadn't gone twosies in a couple of days. That fatty food wasn't going to help clear the backup, so I turned to chemicals. I feel a little better this morning, but I'm still a little bit "clogged".

I will definitely be hitting the gym, probably around noon since there usually aren't many people there at that time on a Sunday and I'll have my pick of the machines. The ellipticals at my local 24 Hour Fitness aren't as nice as the ones at my regular 24 Hour Fitness so I like the gym to be somewhat empty so I can get a good one.

Right now food is the last thing on my mind; I'm not hungry after yesterday's binge and I don't imagine I will be all day long.

Down 16 lbs so far!

Weighed in this morning at 240.6.

Way to go me!!!!!!!!! My pants are getting pretty baggy. Next weekend is the tax holiday weekend so I think it's time to buy some new pants.

Down over 15 lbs so far!

Starting weight: 256.6
Current weight: 241.4

That's 15.2 lbs in one month! AWESOME!

Lost another half pound!

Current weight is 243.2 lbs. That's a total loss of 13.4 lbs in one month.

Not too shabby, but I need to lose more. MORE!

Bought a smaller pair of pants yesterday

All my fellow fat girls who have to suffer the indignity of shopping at Lane Bryant are familiar with their "Right Size" jeans and the sizing system. I think the sizes go from 1-8. A couple of months ago at my peak weight, I bought a size Red 4 Average. Yesterday, I bought a size Red 3 Average. I don't know what normal size that translates to, but what's important is that it's SMALLER than the size I was wearing previously.

YAY!

First 5% loss achieved!

I've lost 5% of my body weight so far: 12.8 lbs. 10% of my starting weight is 25.6 lbs and that is my next goal.

5% isn't too shabby! Yippee!

Up 2lbs so far

It's my TOM and I've gained 2lbs. It's pissing me off. I hate my period. I hate it hate it hate it.

T.O.M.

It's my TOM (time of the month) so I haven't lost any weight since Wednesday. I usually gain 3-5 lbs during my period and shed it almost immediately afterwards. My goal this month is to not gain more than 1lb during my period.

I've gone to the gym 7 days in a row so tomorrow I may take a break. Or I may take the shrink wrap off my copy of 30 Day Shred and do that instead. I don't know yet; it depends on whether I'm sore in the morning and whether my allergies quit acting up.

Calorie Count

1396 calories today.

20 minutes on the elliptical at level 5, strength training on arms for 15 minutes.

Burp.

Calorie Count and Romantic Update

I consumed a princely 1386 calories today, only 20% of them from fat. I think my diet has too much carbs and not enough protein though.

The ex-boyfriend is history, history, history. He talked to me today and told me he doesn't want to get married to anyone ever again (yeah right) and definitely does not want more kids (don't believe that either). I am firmly convinced he was seeing someone else but I have no proof and I don't care anymore. It's not my problem. He's not my problem. Fuck him.

Ever since we started having serious problems a few weeks ago, I've been surfing Chemistry and eHarmony. Yep, that's how much faith I had in him. He's a worthless ass. I met a new guy on eHarmony and had coffee with him this weekend. He e-mailed me and we talked on the phone later and he said he thought I was cute (awesome) and sexy (yippee) and very intelligent (YAY), and that he likes all three. Awesome. He has the odd sense of humor that I love in a guy, he loves animals, is sweet, is VERY smart, makes good money, and all around seems to have great potential. We're getting together Saturday night. Schweeeeeet.

Down to 244.8!

That's 11.8 lbs lost since the second week in July. So far nobody in my life has noticed my weight loss. At my size you need to lose more than 12 lbs before somone notices, I guess.

Calorie count

1416 so far today. It's 7pm. I am a little bit hungry, but I don't know what I could have that's low-calorie and satisfying. People keep suggesting vegetables, but they're not really satisfying. What I REALLY want is pizza. Or a taco. Or a quesadilla. Mmmmm.

I lost another pound!

I'm down to 245.6 from a starting weight of 256.6. That's a total loss of 11 pounds since July 5th.

Yay! Each pound is another step towards my goal of a healthier, better me.

Calories consumed today

I was very good today and only ate 1443 calories. About 1/3 of them came from fat. According to the counter on FitDay, I burned about 3200 today. I think that estimate is kind of high, but that's what they said.

Worked out again

I did 10 minutes at 3mph at a 1.0 incline on the treadmill to warm up.

Then I did 40 minutes on the elliptical. For the first 30 minutes I alternated 2 minutes forward at level 5 with 1 minute backward at level 1, then the last ten minutes I did 2 minutes apiece at levels 5-1 to cool down.

Then I came home and ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch. 390 calories. Doing well today!

Augh, gained weight!

Weighed 247.8 when I weighed myself this morning. I keep trying to tell myself it's just PMS; I usually gain 3-5 pounds before and during my period, then it drops off almost overnight.

Still, though. Doesn't do much to encourage me.

I have a coffee date at 2pm today, so I think I'll hit the gym around 11am. That will get me back home at 12 or shortly after and I'll have time to cool down and bathe before going out. I thought I would be sore after yesterday's workout but I'm not, so I'm going to push hard again today.

I worked out today.

10 minutes on the treadmill at 3mph.
32 minutes on the elliptical at level 5; burned over 250 calories on that one.

I feel freaking fantastic!

My blood pressure has improved!

I have a home BP monitor; years ago a doctor put me on beta blockers for my blood pressure but I stopped taking them 8 years ago. I still have the digital BP monitor she encouraged me to buy. It has an 8-reading memory.

Unless I take my BP as soon as I wake up, my diastolic is high but my systolic is high-normal/high. The last 8 readings on there have systolics in the 140-160 range and diastolics in the 100-110 range, with pulse readings between 90-100 bpm. Personally I think it's cheating to take my BP when I haven't even gotten out of bed yet so I try to take it several hours after waking up but not right after activity to get a good idea of what it really is.

So, I took it after relaxing for about 20 minutes while reading a book. My BP was 138/101, pulse 85. That is still too high, but it is an improvement over what it was a month ago. That's progress! I like progress!

My goal is to have systolics in the 120s and diastolics in the 70s, with a resting heart rate in the 60-70bpm range. (70-80 is considered healthy for an adult woman).

I'm on my way!

I went grocery shopping

I am trying to confine my grocery shopping to the "outside" aisles only. You know what I mean...the periphery of the supermarket where fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy, etc. live. I am avoiding the "evil" aisles containing junk food. I do sometimes have to venture into the center of the supermarket to get ketchup, cereal, etc.

This time I bought fresh fruit and vegetables, some lean cube steaks (on sale), frozen turkey burgers (cheaper than fresh), and some Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice frozen dinners. Now that I'm single again, I don't have anyone else to cook for but myself so I'm in complete control over what goes into my shopping cart. My ex-fiance was a big fan of chips, ice cream, popsicles, and sugary cereals. I haven't thrown all of that out yet, but since I don't like the same flavors he likes it's not really an issue. I'll get around to throwing it out.

I was really good at the supermarket. No junk food. No chips. I don't really have a sweet tooth so candy was not a big temptation for me and I seldom ate it anyway. I don't miss not having it in my diet. What I do miss are CHIPS. Tortilla chips and potato chips. Tortilla chips dripping with that four-cheese Mexican blend...god, that's so good. I could murder a plate of that right now. I won't, because it looks better on the shelf than it does on me. But it tastes so good.

If I had a bag of Lay's in my house, I'd probably eat the whole thing. I'm hungry, but I'm being good. This is why the chip aisle is now off-limits to me. I have no willpower when it comes to that. It's easier to just not buy them. Some people can buy a bag and only eat a few at a time, incorporating them as a special treat into an otherwise very healthy diet. Not me. If they're there, they will get eaten. Quickly. The low fat versions are not satisfying because the texture is so off-putting and they have a weird aftertaste. It's the full fat version or nothing, so I opt for nothing.

Lane Bryant Sucks

Any woman who is a size 18 and over has probably darkened the doorway of their local Lane Bryant (plus-sized clothing) shop at one point or another.

Is it just me, or do their clothes really suck? Not only are they overpriced and cheaply made, they seem to embrace the notion that fat is sexy. I don't think it is, and I'm fat myself. I am repulsed by the sight of my own body and I don't like seeing other fat people wearing tight clothing showing off their rolls and bulges. I usually wear clothing that just covers up my bulk and I certainly don't want anything tight to show off MY rolls. I don't want to look at it myself, why would I think other people would want to?

The clothing at Lane Bryant is uber-trendy in the sense that it's uber-trendy if it was one year ago. They also seem to love tanks, cap sleeves, and sleeveless shirts. If you're over 200 pounds like I am, you probably have bulky arms or batwings. Why do you want to show off your flabby batwings? I don't! I'd be mortified if someone saw mine flapping around. Same with those sundresses that they sell.

About all they're good for is jeans. They do make a good pair of jeans. However, they do not stock "regular" sizes. I think their jeans sizes now go 1-5 and come in three cuts: red, blue, and yellow. The salespeople seem to want you to buy a pair that is as tight as possible. I was measured for a 3 but bought a 4 because I couldn't breathe when I sat down in the 3. They kept telling me not to buy the 4 because the jeans stretch during the day (true) and they'd be falling off me by the end of the day (not true). They're the perfect size. I know my own body better than they do so if you go jeans shopping there, don't let the salespeople persuade you to buy something a size smaller than what is comfortable for you. They're just trying to flatter you. They do that a lot. "You're not so big! You have such a cute butt! What do you mean, your boobs are saggy! No they're not!"

Whatever.

So I buy a pair of jeans or something there, then walk through the mall with a bag that says "LANE FUCKING BRYANT" on it and everybody knows I've just been to the fat girl store. I hate that, it's humiliating. I pass by The Gap, Old Navy, The Limited, etc. with achingly cute clothes in the window, knowing that they don't stock my size. Even if they did, their clothes are designed for a much slimmer frame. The large sizes are simply bigger versions of clothes for skinny people. When you're obese, that's just not going to fly. A lot of obese people are not simply larger versions of skinny people. Their proportions are very different and simply increasing the waist or thigh size isn't going to work.

That's where I have to give Lane Bryant credit. Their jeans are fabulous. They did their homework and designed something that really does fit the zaftig frame, and they have the different cuts for the three main obese body types: wide hips/thighs (me), straight up and down with big gut, and J-Lo-style giant butt that's so big you can hardly stand up straight.

So if you're like me and don't like jeans with elastic waistbands like they sell at JC Penney, go to Lane Bryant and try theirs out. Just don't bother with any of the rest of it.

Or you could be like me and diet and exercise your way out of ever having to set foot in that place again. I cringe every time I get near the place. I look at the other customers and think, "Geez, do I look that bad?" I'm not trying to offend anyone, but who really likes being fat? Who likes having to go to special fat stores to buy clothes and pay 10-15% more for every article of clothing? Wouldn't you rather go to Banana Republic or J. Crew? I know I would.

BMI update

Starting BMI: 41.4
Current BMI: 39.8

Under 40! Yippee! My goal is in the 19.1-25.8 range. Still quite a long way to go, but hey...I've made progress.

Weekly summary

Starting weight/size:
Weight: 256.6lbs/116.4 kg
Suit: 20 bottom, 22 top
Shirt: XXL
Pants: 18-20
Jeans: 20
Underwear: 8
Bra: 40D
Shoes: 8

Current weight/size:
Weight: 246.6lbs/111.9 kg
Suit: 20 bottom, 22 top
Shirt: XXL
Pants: 18-20
Jeans: 20
Underwear: 8
Bra: 40D
Shoes: 8

How this blog will work

I am going to try to update this blog every week, probably Thursday-Saturday, to post my progress for the week and anything new I've learned.

I'm going to post my weight here because I think it will keep me honest. I'll post my BP too, and as my clothing size drops I'll post that.

I might also keep a food diary; I used to be pretty busy when I had a fiance but now that he's out of the picture, I might have more free time to A.) keep one and B.) blog about it. I probably should anyway; I hear it helps with the weight loss.

I'm also thinking about taking Alli to keep me from being tempted by fatty foods because I hear the side effects are very unpleasant.

Basically I'm not sure right now what form this blog will take, but I will definitely be posting my weight and BP on a weekly basis to keep me honest. I may even take some photos of myself with my face blocked out so everyone can see how my body is changing. I wouldn't want anyone to see me in my underwear right now, but if someone reading this thinks it will help to motivate them then I'll do it.

My goals and how I will achieve them

I'm a member at 24 Hour Fitness which is a chain of gyms in several states in the US. I'm not going to say which state or metro area I'm in in order to protect my privacy and that of my friends, family, and workout partner.

There is a 24 Hour Fitness near my office and another one very close to where I live, so there is no excuse not to go. They're not far away from home or work; in fact, the one near my house is even within reasonable walking distance so I can't even use the excuse that gas is too expensive. It's two bus stops or a 10-15 minute walk away.

My goal weight is 150 lbs, which would be a loss of 106.6 lbs from my weight on July 5th. My conservative time frame for this is one year, but I'd like to get there faster. They say you shouldn't lose more than so many pounds per week because if you lose too quickly it's hard to maintain. I say BS to that. As long as I'm serious about the changes in my lifestyle I don't see why I wouldn't maintain the weight loss. Easier said than done, but 2 years ago I weighed around 280 and I've kept that weight off. So...there you go. I'd love to be a slim, slinky size 2 with long legs and little spaghetti arms. That will never happen; even at my lowest weight (around 100 lbs at age 17) I still had muscular thighs, curvy hips, and meaty upper arms. I'll never look like a supermodel. So...I'm realistic about what the end result might be. I think that will help.

When I go to the gym, I go with a workout partner from my office. We are both very motivated to lose our excess weight and to get fit and healthy. We have different reasons for wanting to do it, but we help motivate each other all the same. It helps to have someone to go to the gym with. Often one of us will be tired and might skip the gym if not for the other spurring them on to go.

When we go to the gym, we first use the elliptical machine for 20 minutes. I try to keep my stride above 110 strides per minute. I go 2 minutes forward and 1 backward. I warm up on resistance level 1, then go up to 3-4 for the rest of the workout. I try to keep my heart rate below 170 which means I have to go slower on the machine than I am physically able to do. I have noticed that I have to work harder to achieve the same heart rate that I achieved when I first started going to the gym, which means the workouts are having a positive effect on my cardiovascular strength. I think this is encouraging; I'm already seeing results.

After the elliptical machine, we hit the weight machines to work on our upper bodies. We alternate arms and chest. My workout partner is male so he works with more weight than I do. I don't want to bulk up, but I'm not sure that'll be an issue right now. We're both trying to build lean muscle to increase our basal metabolisms so we can burn more calories while at rest.

I haven't seen a nutritionist to establish a proper diet but I have been trying to eat healthy anyway. I've been skipping breakfast a lot because when I'm stressed I'm nauseated in the morning. When I can force breakfast down, it's a bowl of Raisin Bran with 2% milk. I should be on 1% or skim, but I'm still using up a carton of 2% milk I bought weeks ago. Cartons of milk last a long time. Whether I'm hungry or not, I have a cup of coffee with 2% milk in the mornings.

For lunch I have a turkey sandwich with light mayonnaise and one slice of Swiss cheese on sugar-free wheat bread, plus lots of raw vegetables and fruit. I don't measure my fruit/veg portions. I try not to snack at all during the day but if I do, I eat an apple, a few almonds, or a 100 calorie packet of dried cranberries. For dinner I try to keep the entire meal under 700 calories if possible; under 500 calories is ideal. I find the Lean Cuisine meals to be unsatisfying and since it's just me in the house now, it's hard to get motivated to cook a proper meal. When I do, I get my protein from turkey or chicken and carbs/everything else from vegetables, a small portion of boiled brown rice, a salad, etc. Basically I try to keep it hearty and filling but light and healthy which isn't easy. Some days I get lazy and cook a can of soup, but I try to get "clear" soups rather than creamy soups. I've been trying lots of different ones. I also try to get the low-sodium varieties because of my blood pressure, and even those are sometimes a little too salty so I add a bit of water to dilute them.

Some vital statistics

To give anyone who reads this an idea of where I am right now, I am 5'6" tall, with a medium frame.

On July 5th, I weighed 256.6 pounds. This morning (July 25th), I weighed 246.6 pounds. I've 10 lbs, or 3.9% of my body weight, in 20 days. That's a respectable loss of 1/2 pound a day.

My blood pressure in June was measured as high as 172/128 (was sent to the hospital for that) and as low as 138/85 (high end of normal). I'd like to get my BP down to 120/70 but with my family's history of hypertension, that is ambitious. My resting heart rate is anywhere from 90bpm when I'm perfectly calm to 120 bpm when I'm anxious.

I have asthma, and I also smoke. Half a lifetime ago, I didn't smoke, wore a size 4-6 and didn't really have a problem with my asthma. My goal is to quit smoking at some point, probably when the stress of the breakup has subsided, and to get my asthma under control. I'm tired of wheezing all the time.

Sizes:
Suit: 20 bottom, 22 top
Shirt: XXL
Pants: 18-20
Jeans: 20
Underwear: 8
Bra: 40D
Shoes: 8

It all starts here

3 weeks ago my fiance moved out, saying he needed some space. Tonight, we broke up.

Over the last 3 weeks I've lost 10 pounds through stress, not eating enough, and taking out my anger and sorrow at the gym.

I'm now motivated by this. I don't think my weight had anything to do with him leaving; he's just an idiot and an a-hole. However, if I want to land a better man, appearances count. That's just a fact of the society we live in. Men don't usually go for fat women. I can understand that; I'm not really attracted to fat people either. The kind of men I'd like to date don't go for fat chicks.

So, I've decided to go for it this time and become a former fattie.