Lane Bryant Sucks

Any woman who is a size 18 and over has probably darkened the doorway of their local Lane Bryant (plus-sized clothing) shop at one point or another.

Is it just me, or do their clothes really suck? Not only are they overpriced and cheaply made, they seem to embrace the notion that fat is sexy. I don't think it is, and I'm fat myself. I am repulsed by the sight of my own body and I don't like seeing other fat people wearing tight clothing showing off their rolls and bulges. I usually wear clothing that just covers up my bulk and I certainly don't want anything tight to show off MY rolls. I don't want to look at it myself, why would I think other people would want to?

The clothing at Lane Bryant is uber-trendy in the sense that it's uber-trendy if it was one year ago. They also seem to love tanks, cap sleeves, and sleeveless shirts. If you're over 200 pounds like I am, you probably have bulky arms or batwings. Why do you want to show off your flabby batwings? I don't! I'd be mortified if someone saw mine flapping around. Same with those sundresses that they sell.

About all they're good for is jeans. They do make a good pair of jeans. However, they do not stock "regular" sizes. I think their jeans sizes now go 1-5 and come in three cuts: red, blue, and yellow. The salespeople seem to want you to buy a pair that is as tight as possible. I was measured for a 3 but bought a 4 because I couldn't breathe when I sat down in the 3. They kept telling me not to buy the 4 because the jeans stretch during the day (true) and they'd be falling off me by the end of the day (not true). They're the perfect size. I know my own body better than they do so if you go jeans shopping there, don't let the salespeople persuade you to buy something a size smaller than what is comfortable for you. They're just trying to flatter you. They do that a lot. "You're not so big! You have such a cute butt! What do you mean, your boobs are saggy! No they're not!"

Whatever.

So I buy a pair of jeans or something there, then walk through the mall with a bag that says "LANE FUCKING BRYANT" on it and everybody knows I've just been to the fat girl store. I hate that, it's humiliating. I pass by The Gap, Old Navy, The Limited, etc. with achingly cute clothes in the window, knowing that they don't stock my size. Even if they did, their clothes are designed for a much slimmer frame. The large sizes are simply bigger versions of clothes for skinny people. When you're obese, that's just not going to fly. A lot of obese people are not simply larger versions of skinny people. Their proportions are very different and simply increasing the waist or thigh size isn't going to work.

That's where I have to give Lane Bryant credit. Their jeans are fabulous. They did their homework and designed something that really does fit the zaftig frame, and they have the different cuts for the three main obese body types: wide hips/thighs (me), straight up and down with big gut, and J-Lo-style giant butt that's so big you can hardly stand up straight.

So if you're like me and don't like jeans with elastic waistbands like they sell at JC Penney, go to Lane Bryant and try theirs out. Just don't bother with any of the rest of it.

Or you could be like me and diet and exercise your way out of ever having to set foot in that place again. I cringe every time I get near the place. I look at the other customers and think, "Geez, do I look that bad?" I'm not trying to offend anyone, but who really likes being fat? Who likes having to go to special fat stores to buy clothes and pay 10-15% more for every article of clothing? Wouldn't you rather go to Banana Republic or J. Crew? I know I would.